Surgery Log 2012 – Positive Mindset

Positive Mindset: 11/27/12 – Tuesday – Today I went to the orthopedic doctor I’ve seen numerous times for knee injections. He is the surgeon’s partner and actually I like him a lot. He ended up giving me a cortisone shot which will help with the stiffness and pain. I was in a better state of mind for the rest of the day. I went to a meeting and felt so much better.

11/28/12 – Wednesday – This is the first day of my physical therapy. I am in a good state of mind because I will hopefully get the OK to do some more exercises. He says I am more flexible than the average person, which is a good thing. But, of course, he cannot give me any time-frame for my nerve root to heal. Until that heals, all the therapy in the universe will not bring my dead leg back to total function. It is a slow process, as I’ve been told over and over. But, on a good note, he said in about 6 months or so he thinks I should be back to normal. Six months is a long time, but as long as I continue to see progress, it is OK with me. He said to walk slowly so the nerve pathways can learn again—if I walk too fast (which is really not even an option at this point) my nerve becomes “confused” so keep it slow! I went to Target to walk around with the shopping cart (buggy down here) but for some reason, my legs felt like someone had injected an anesthetic agent into them and I was walking on dead tingly legs; very discouraging. I decided to go home and work on the computer. It is an effort each day to stay in a positive state of mind but I am going to try. I cannot guarantee that I will be successful. I’m scared that I will never be able to return to the life I knew; I am scared that I will be permanently disabled. You can’t play the “what if” game. My biggest problem is between my ears. Life constantly changes but that is the nature of life. I don’t know what the future will hold so I have to just take “one day at a time”.

Surgery Log 2012 – New Reality

New Reality – Sunday – I decide to clean my bathroom, even though I am still unsteady. My knee feels slightly better because I am not doing so much bending and flexing during exercise. Even the backwards squats, holding onto something, irritates my knee. I go to the gym and work out in the woman’s section so I won’t be so noticeable. I am acutely self-conscious about my limp and having to use the cane. But I guess it would be even more embarrassing if I fell, hence the cane. Maybe I need to get a distinctive walking stick for some flare! I do the treadmill, some biceps, triceps, shoulders, etc. using light 5 lb. weights. I also try the thigh and hip machine on an extremely low resistance. I am careful not to do anything that pulls on my back at all. All of a sudden I notice my damn knee is back to being painful, probably due to my small squats to strengthen my knee. Again, I am very discouraged. I am laying low today in the house, writing and taking it easy. Yes I could go out again, but I decide to just chill since it is Sunday. It is amazing how I actually wish I were working tomorrow because I am losing my mind with boredom. I love to write but as always, I lack structure in my life, which I so desperately need. My goal is to actually get better enough to start traveling, taking pictures with a new digital SLR, and getting paid with the pics. I am a good photographer and this is what I want to do. But, everything in my life is on hold until this incredible numbness in my legs gets resolved. My left leg is not so bad and not weak, but my right leg sometimes does not even support me at all. I am walking in fear all the time, and so slowly that it makes me feel extremely old. But I have to stop looking at my past and reliving my former self. I find myself saying, “Oh, I used to run marathons and be in great shape. I used to work out every day for an hour. I used to look good. I used to have gorgeous shapely calves, etc.” That does me no good whatsoever. I heard Stacey say that she would tell people that she used to make 100K and have a beautiful spacious home. The reality is that she lost all that and now lives in a nice apartment. My reality is that I no longer run, my right leg is atrophied a little due to weakness, I cannot work out the way I used to and my body does not look the way I want it to anymore. I have to accept this and move on to the next phase in my life. Hopefully, and God willing, my leg will improve as the numbness subsides, but as of now, my life is changed. I do not know when or if there will be improvement, although I’ve been told there will be. I have to latch onto that prognosis and try hard to notice even the most infinitesimal improvements. I never thought that I would take so much pleasure in such small things, but maybe that is why this is happening. My mood can turn around in an instant with just one small improvement in my walking, my knee, less numbness. But, conversely, it can go the other way when there seems to be no improvement or even a setback. I have to learn to roll with the punches and realize that ultimately it is my attitude that will save me.

Surgery Log – 2012 – Walking with cane

11/23/12 – Friday – I try something drastic this Friday morning; I go out walking again. I’ve been so scared to do this without a cane since my balance has been so off and my stupid right knee/leg, in its infinite wisdom, decides arbitrarily that it doesn’t want to hold my weight out of nowhere. But I seemed to be walking better last night and this morning. It is a Catch-22 situation; when I don’t walk or try exercising my quads, I don’t have the pain when I go from sitting to standing. Yet, if I don’t use my leg it gets weaker and weaker, with my quads atrophying as well as my calf. My leg then gets so weak that my knee stops healing and I never get better. I simply do not know what the answer is at this point. It is so frustrating because today I was proud and almost happy that I could somewhat walk halfway decently—-albeit on my right toe because of the uneven hips–but not too bad. Then I did some light squats holding on which do not put stress on the knees. Nevertheless, when I sat in my car and went to get out, BAM, same old shit. My knee locked up like glue and I had to wait until I could straighten it out (painfully) to walk at all. Some days I have hope, when I can walk without pain and then out of nowhere my hope is dashed when my stupid knee decides to not work again. So, should I do no exercise and not rehab my back, continue the further deterioration of my right leg through atrophy, or do the exercise and not be able to walk at all afterwards. I pray and pray for some kind of help and suddenly it seems to come in the form of simply being able to walk. I then feel like I have finally turned the corner and then there is the cruelest joke of all, my knee is back to being painful and stiff. Part of the problem is that my leg(s) are still stiff and numb. My knees are especially numb due to the spinal nerve still being inflamed. The continual numbness probably prevents my knee from healing properly. Since the biggest problem is my entire right leg, the knee never gets better. As always people have to comment on my limp and cane (when I use it) necessitating me to explain my problems. I am tired as hell of doing this. I am afraid to get up because I figure my leg will be so stiff I won’t be able to unbend it for a while. It is so sad and I am tired of all this. I go to Starbucks to have a pumpkin spice latte, YUM. That always makes me feel better temporarily. I go home and I feel really good—-the best I have felt in a while. All of a sudden my right leg seems to have strength and I can walk relatively well. Since I feel decent, I decide to do tons of cleaning. I then go over to Janet’s house for “Thanksgiving” and have a surprisingly good time.

Surgery Log – 2012 – Thanksgiving

11/22/12 – Happy Thanksgiving, I guess. It is traditional for me to start out running in the morning but that is not happening today. So, I decide to walk on my treadmill, upstairs. I ask “permission” from my tenant upstairs and she agrees. But for some reason my knee and leg are very painful and stiff today (more than usual) so I abandon that idea. I am already discouraged so I go to a 12-noon meeting. I was not planning to go anywhere today since Janet’s Thanksgiving celebration will take place on Friday. I didn’t want to have two pig out days in a row. But everyone at the meeting convinced me to go to the AA festivity at Baker Avenue. It was decent but I would’ve preferred going to the Jet’s house. I still have no idea when I am supposed to grace the Jet with my presence on Friday. When I come home I do chores and start to get more and more agitated and upset, complete with crying, at my (you guessed it) knee’s lack of progress and even regression from the day before. That’s when I luckily decide to go to the Evans meeting at 8:00. That is a good decision because it gets me out of my head and saves me, as it always does. For some inexplicable reason, my stupid knee is not too bad. I jump on that good feeling and it helps me for the rest of the night. I am freezing in bed due to my numb legs; something that is a recent occurrence. David calls me to tell me that everything was really nice at his cousin Teresa’s house for Thanksgiving and that Joe looked good. It is a shame that his son, Aaron, could not be there with the other kids. Henry, of course was a big hit because he is super duper adorable. I am feeling glad about Joseph being part of the family for the day yet I am sad again about being apart from my family. I begin to think that moving so far away was a curse, but that was my decision so I have to live with it.

Surgery Log 2012 – Relaxing Day

Relaxing Day – 11/21/12 – Wednesday – I decide to have a relaxing and nice day. Screw cleaning and everything; it’s not like I don’t have any time to do these chores due to my extremely busy schedule. If I have learned one thing about myself it is that is that I HATE being idyll. One of my goals was to start making money writing, yet I read a blog about just that. He says that most people will not be able to achieve this unless they are very web savvy, have specific content useful to others, and be persistent. I began to wonder if what I write is just whimsical musings and very self-indulgent. I spend so much time trying to be “something” and finding my true calling. Don’t you think I would know this by now at the ripe old age of 60? Just like I chase youth by getting various procedures to make me look younger, I actually believe that I am still young, which is probably not a bad thing. I guess I am like Peter Pan—-I won’t grow up. Unfortunately, my body does not share that same idea because time marches on. I call Joanne to wish her a happy birthday and then speak to David. He tells me that Joseph is actually and unbelievably invited to the family’s Thanksgiving gathering. I am shocked and pleasantly surprised that he is even invited and that he has accepted. It is the highlight of my day.

Surgery Log 2012 – Regressing

Regressing – 11/18/12 – Sunday – I think I am programmed to be depressed on Sunday because that ray of sunshine I had the day before did not last too long. It just seems that I am regressing, rather than progressing. I woke up with very bad knee pain. Definitely on the Pity Pot today. My knee is unusually stiff and sore. I went with Joyce to the Church today and felt OK afterwards, except that my knee is still stiff and sore and I had to use the damn cane. I worked myself into a real STATE this evening. I decided that I would exercise the garage option if I don’t get better or at least have some hope of getting better in the somewhat immediate future. I cried hysterically and then called the Jet. I spoke with her and John, two people who I can really let it all out with, and they both get upset when I tell them I don’t want to live anymore. I was so upset that Sunshine would not stop SCREAMING—something she seems to do more often when I am upset—and I slammed the bird food plastic bin down on the counter and it broke. Then I went over to her and literally waved my grabber stick at her. I am truly out of control. God forbid I actually hurt her; I would never forgive myself. I am just so depressed and frustrated I can hardly bare it. Please God; give me HOPE for a recovery. My back is getting better—at least the incision is—but my right leg and knee are regressing.

11/19/12 – Monday – I wake up feeling hopeful because my knee seems stronger and I have an appointment to get the staples out of my back. I have intentions of speaking to the surgeon but of course I see the nurse and then the PA. I am annoyed but she is nice and takes lots of time to address my concerns about my knee. She explains that because of the back surgery, my knee’s progress has been put on hold and the muscle leading into the knee (the Quads) is becoming weak so my knee is weak too. It makes sense so I will accept that explanation. I make an appointment for PT with Kevin and a follow up surgical appointment to speak to the actual surgeon—amazing. She says I am doing well and my stupid knee will get better in TIME; no telling when that will be. The numbness will resolve in TIME; no telling when that will be. I will be back to work in TIME; it will be addressed after seeing the doctor in a few weeks. In the meantime, I will do my PT, my limited exercises (some treadmill and maybe recumbent bike) but not much more. I am feeling hopeful again. It is amazing how your outlook on life can change from one day to another. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow so I might as well enjoy a day of hope. I am now able to drive although it takes a lot out of me and I am still very tired. I am going to a meeting tonight alone.

Surgery Log 2012 – Feeling Better

Feeling Better – Post surgery – 11/16/12 – Friday – It is 10 days after surgery and I don’t feel too bad. It is Friday so I am automatically feeling better. I go to a meeting with Ruth and spend the rest of the day at home, but doing chores. I come up with very creative ways to clean using a folding chair, my grabber with sponges attached, my mop in my bathtub, etc. I am thinking of writing a book about how to get around when you cannot bend or have disabilities. I am supposed to get together with my new renter, Cindy, but she comes home at about 10:30 pm and goes upstairs. I am annoyed because she does not seem to understand how to lock the front door or set the alarm, and I want to get that straight. I also want set up a direct deposit but that is not happening tonight.

11/17/12 – It is Saturday and I am feeling hopeful and good, just by virtue of the fact that it is just Saturday. My legs seem a little less numb, but that may be due to my better state of mind. There is truth to “mind over matter”. Ruth picks me up for a meeting and afterwards we go to Starbucks. I am actually almost “happy” or at least what will pass for happiness in my lexicon. I cannot remember when the last time I felt that elusive emotion, so I hang on to it. Rather than say I am HAPPY I would categorize it as simply content and not troubled. However, I realize that I have been totally forgetting to get the mail, so when I do I discover a non-certification letter from my insurance company for the second hospital day. Since it is Saturday, they are not in, although I find this out after 5 minutes of going through various menu options, only to be told, “We’re sorry, we are not open. Please call back during business hours.” I try to figure out how I can lodge a complaint about this but I cannot because I cannot leave a message because they hang up on you!

Surgery Log 2012 – Recovering

Recovering – 11/13/12 – Tuesday – It has been 1 week since the laminectomy and I am recovering from this surgery. I go for a bone density study since the surgeon mentioned that I have osteoporosis in my back. This was very upsetting to me since I was unaware of this. The study revealed that I had borderline osteoporosis and the doctor started me on pills to treat it. But I am glad that these two upsets are out of the way.

11/14/12 – Wednesday – Ruth picks me up and gets me to a meeting at Midday. It is a step meeting and I am just grateful to be out and about. My friend and colleague, Kay, comes over to help me out. She has a doll for a son who helps clean and set up my DVD downstairs. I have every intention of writing in my Blog and getting “lots of things done” but I seem incapable of doing anything substantial.

11/15/12 – Thursday – I wake up very depressed with a very bad headache so I take 2 useless Tylenols. I am feeling so bad that I literally do absolutely nothing for a few hours until the headache subsides. I did not go out of the house at all the entire day, which also contributed to my feelings of total isolation. As usual, my brain is scattered and I don’t seem to be able to focus on anything at all, resulting in getting nothing done. I resolve to do more the next day. I am totally exhausted and I don’t seem to be able to understand that I just had major surgery and this might be perfectly normal. I am not giving myself a break. Also, my renter who was supposed to move in is still sick and has not done so. I am getting nervous that I won’t get my rent on time. She texts me to reassure me that she will have the rent, which she does. She brings more items to add to the clutter upstairs which she started about a week ago. It unnerves me probably because I am not in a good state of mind. I call various people to see who could pick me up but nobody calls back and nobody picks me up so I just stay at home that night. My friend John calls me and I end up feeling much better before I go to bed.

Surgery Log 2012 – Post op Laminectomy

Post op Laminectomy – 11/9/12 – It is 3 days post op and Donna picked me up today and brought me to a meeting. My back is very sore and it is hard for me to sit. Nevertheless I am happy to be out and about. Later in the day I decide to do some walking. My knee is beginning to regress probably because I am off painkillers. I was so constipated that I stopped them all. Since I am not on any anti-inflammatories, my knee is a disaster and not supporting me. I am outside walking and I fall right on my back. Although I do not seem to have done any real damage, I am stunned and shaking. I go back into the house and call Stacey, who reassures me that if I had broken anything I would not have been able to get up, which I did right away. I feel a lot better.

11/10/12 – It is Saturday and Ruth comes over and drives me to a Midday meeting. I am in a good state of mind today and we spend some time in Starbucks. I feel hopeful again.

11/11/12- Sunday – I feel lost and out of sorts. I am very lonely and bored. I have resolved to do lots of writing but my brain is not working at all. I seem incapable of getting started doing anything so I lump around the house.

11/12/12- Monday Joyce drives me to a follow up mammogram appointment and luckily everything is OK. Donna comes over and drives me to a meeting in the evening in Evans. Everyone seems surprised to see me and it is the highlight of my day. I am just happy to see people and to get out of the house, which has become my prison of sorts.

Surgery Log 2012 – Hopeful

Hopeful – 11/7/12 – Got out of the hospital. Joyce picked me up and spent the day and night with me. She is a new friend but I am glad I met her and her husband, Bill. I met them at the NAMI meeting, so at least some good came out of Joseph’s psychotic break. I am feeling really good mentally, not physically, but hopeful. Hope is everything after all.

11/8/12 – Joyce left and then my friend and client, Julia, came to stay all day long. That was wonderful. Still feeling hopeful.