The Daily Slog

I have decided to try, in 2023, to stop trying to compete with everyone. When I open FB first thing in the morning, I am engulfed with a wave of resentment, jealousy, and self-loathing.

I have decided to try, in 2023, to stop trying to compete with everyone. When I open FB first thing in the morning, I am engulfed by a wave of resentment, jealousy, and self-loathing, which in turn leads to severe depression. This is not a good way to start the day. I have been trying to rid myself of negative thoughts, but they pop up everywhere. Since I am not living on as much money I was used to lately, I have found myself jealous of people who have a “perfect” retirement—those who were more responsible than I was. The thing is, I was super responsible when I was still employed by BCBS, but I stopped contributing to my 401K at 50, when I lost my job. So, instead of finding a job down here that would continue that, I decided to do my own thing. I can’t say I didn’t try—I was fired by two legitimate jobs that were similar to what I had in NY. I left another one, to take the one I was fired from. I worked at the Y, and then became a massage therapist, which was not a bad idea. But, after 5 years of putting up with assholes who just didn’t like me, or not really being able to get regular clients, I decided to “retire.” I was under the impression that my money from my IRA would last, especially when I began to collect Social Security at 62. But alas, I was told I had to be more careful and take less of a distribution, lest my money be gone by the time I was 82—yikes. I never even thought I’d live to be 70, much less 82. That has thrown me into a bad cycle of depression and self-recrimination, as well as jealousy of those more financially secure. But I have realized that I am not as bad off as I thought. I have been on all kinds of stupid job sites or “work at home” job sites to no avail. They are a joke, and it is super frustrating and depressing that I am in this position. But, alas, Social Security to the rescue—In 2023 they had an 8.7% raise in benefits, which translates to $150 extra a month. I also told Joseph I cannot give him the meager amount of $100 each month. Now I will at least have about $300 to at least add into my savings account. I was adding in at least $400 and sometimes $500 so that showed I was taking out too much of a distribution. But I actually think this may work. Yet, I am besieged by bouts of anxiety and depression almost daily, sometimes bad, and sometimes minimal. What has helped me is seeing that people have things way worse than I do. I was at a New Years’ Day evening celebration at Elle’s house, and an older lady named Itala, told me that she has a lot of physical issues and she is in pain all the time. In addition to that, she rents a room from a person whom she dislikes and that she has absolutely no retirement fund—she just lives on her social security. I realized at that point how lucky I was, and she would love to be in my position. Whenever you think you have it bad, someone else has a worse situation. I do realize I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. When I have gratitude, I feel much better, the “refrigerator stops running” and I have some peace. But this does not last too long because I am alone too much and too much in my own head (which is a dangerous neighborhood to be in too long).

But what has contributed to my low mood was that I somehow feel that I must compete with everyone. I had several pictures displayed at the Harlem Arts Council for a few months, with not one sale. So, when I went to pick them up Faye told me I should’ve priced them lower or negotiated. What the hell do I know about that—I wish I knew about that ahead of time. So, she said she will do a show of my work in a few months and gave me assignments. I also just read about how if you price too high, you will sell nothing at all. Now I know. I felt bolstered on that day, but my mood is still up and down like a rollercoaster, and I believe it is because I still feel like I am having to “build a business” and compete and I keep thinking that all I want is to sell some pics. I don’t need a new business and I just want to be peaceful. That will never happen if I keep pursuing goals that are unrealistic. I just want to be content to do my art and show it and not feel like a total failure in life when I can’t sell my art or myself. I have never been one to brag or sell myself—I need someone to do this for me and in that absence, I will never have an income stream from my art. I just want to be content, but the problem of comparison still plagues me. When I go to the Bible study, which is starting up this week, I can’t help but compare myself to these younger, affluent women with their huge homes that they are remodeling and their amazing kids, and vacations all the time. When we go around that room and say something about ourselves the first day, I want to say, “I pass.” I sound pathetic and lonely when I say I almost never see my family.  I don’t know if people die of loneliness, but if they did, I’d definitely be dead and buried long ago. Each morning I must sit on the edge of the bed and find a reason to continue on in the world.  I know I can’t leave my birds, which is one reason I get on with the day, but often with a black cloud hanging over my head all the time. I almost never feel just OK, but when I write and do creative things it helps center me. So, here I am on a Friday night just writing my heart out to feel at least acceptable tomorrow.

Aging

When you’re a kid you think you are invincible and the thought of “growing old” is not even in your consciousness. When I tell childhood stories I sometimes want to describe people as an “older person” but then I have to pause and think, “Everyone seemed much older than they probably were”. So, I really don’t know if my description is accurate. Who knows, they might have only been in their 30s or 40s, but to a child that is pretty old. But it ‘s funny how your definition of “old” changes as you rapidly approach the age you considered old. I remember being so depressed when I turned 26 because I had passed that magical number of 25, which meant that I was closer to 30 than 20. In my mind, 30 was officially a “real adult” and, although I was a mother already by 19, I still thought that I was a kid. But, when I passed 30, then 40 became the new “old age” for me. Each decade, I raise the bar on what it means to be “old.” Since when did 40 become “young?’ How about 50? To me that is now “young” or at least still “young.” How many times have I heard myself saying lately, “They’re not that old”, referring to someone in their 70s. The fact remains that the world is geared to youth and no matter how “young” you think you look, feel, or act, you are not young, and you are often treated as such. People say that age is just a number, and you can remain “young at heart”, be active, athletic, keep yourself in shape, but time is rapidly advancing, and it seems the older you get, the faster the years go by. I remember endless summers, being the playground champ, spinning tops, playing Skelly, melting bottle caps on manhole covers, eating Good Humor sold by old man Joe, the ever present ice cream man. Then, going home for dinner only to go out again in the evening. I was athletic and that was my life during those magical summer days and nights. It seems almost as if those days were just yesterday, and I sometimes wake up and think, “how the hell did I get to be this old and when did this happen?” I remember hearing about “the Golden Years” but I have recently found myself thinking that is such a fallacy. Often the “golden years” are fraught with age-related illnesses, even if you think you are healthy. With aging often comes a gradual betrayal of your body. There are exceptions, and I believe that if you keep yourself in good physical condition, taking care of what is so precious, you may skip the extreme decline. But the thing about life is that unless you have a crystal ball, or a link to God, you don’t know what the future holds. I am a firm believer that we should live NOW, and not look too far into the future. The media is famous for preaching about the evils of retiring too early (taking your Social Security too soon). I laugh when I see these dire warnings because I know from experience that life is very fragile and you should take your happiness now, if you can, rather than later because later may never come.