Regressing – 11/18/12 – Sunday – I think I am programmed to be depressed on Sunday because that ray of sunshine I had the day before did not last too long. It just seems that I am regressing, rather than progressing. I woke up with very bad knee pain. Definitely on the Pity Pot today. My knee is unusually stiff and sore. I went with Joyce to the Church today and felt OK afterwards, except that my knee is still stiff and sore and I had to use the damn cane. I worked myself into a real STATE this evening. I decided that I would exercise the garage option if I don’t get better or at least have some hope of getting better in the somewhat immediate future. I cried hysterically and then called the Jet. I spoke with her and John, two people who I can really let it all out with, and they both get upset when I tell them I don’t want to live anymore. I was so upset that Sunshine would not stop SCREAMING—something she seems to do more often when I am upset—and I slammed the bird food plastic bin down on the counter and it broke. Then I went over to her and literally waved my grabber stick at her. I am truly out of control. God forbid I actually hurt her; I would never forgive myself. I am just so depressed and frustrated I can hardly bare it. Please God; give me HOPE for a recovery. My back is getting better—at least the incision is—but my right leg and knee are regressing.
11/19/12 – Monday – I wake up feeling hopeful because my knee seems stronger and I have an appointment to get the staples out of my back. I have intentions of speaking to the surgeon but of course I see the nurse and then the PA. I am annoyed but she is nice and takes lots of time to address my concerns about my knee. She explains that because of the back surgery, my knee’s progress has been put on hold and the muscle leading into the knee (the Quads) is becoming weak so my knee is weak too. It makes sense so I will accept that explanation. I make an appointment for PT with Kevin and a follow up surgical appointment to speak to the actual surgeon—amazing. She says I am doing well and my stupid knee will get better in TIME; no telling when that will be. The numbness will resolve in TIME; no telling when that will be. I will be back to work in TIME; it will be addressed after seeing the doctor in a few weeks. In the meantime, I will do my PT, my limited exercises (some treadmill and maybe recumbent bike) but not much more. I am feeling hopeful again. It is amazing how your outlook on life can change from one day to another. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow so I might as well enjoy a day of hope. I am now able to drive although it takes a lot out of me and I am still very tired. I am going to a meeting tonight alone.