12/16/12 – Sunday – I woke up this morning feeling just as bad as usual, as if yesterday’s “progress” never even took place. Every morning is like a new beginning, and back to square one. Each night I go to bed and pray that I will have at least some indication that I am getting better, but that is never the case. Today, I am super unsteady on my feet. My renter left the house and forgot to deactivate the alarm system this morning. I was sitting in my office and suddenly realized that the alarm was about to go off so I had to literally “jump up”, without my cane, and “run” over to the closet to press the deactivate button. I almost fell and was so off balance but I did it. However, it depressed me to no end because a simple movement like that almost resulted in me falling. I do not know why I am so unsteady today and it is very discouraging. My knee is painful and does not support me properly, probably due to the weak leg. Last night my right leg and especially my foot were freezing cold to the touch. No matter how many socks I put on, my foot is just plain COLD. I had a measure of peace yesterday when I went over to Serenity and picked up some paperwork, then on to Starbucks. That seems to be the only place that I somehow can relax and feel like it all will work out. I am desperately trying to maintain some measure of peace today, because that seems to help, but it is hard when you are walking all crooked and wobbly. I am seeing the neurosurgeon tomorrow who will review the MRI with contrast. I am not sure if I want something terribly wrong to show or not. If there is something amiss, then maybe they can fix it. But if nothing shows up, then what the hell am I going to do at this point? I am so tired of being consumed with my physical condition and I am beginning to isolate. I’ve missed two Christmas parties recently because I just didn’t want to be walking with a plate of food and my stupid cane, not being sure if I would fall and make a complete fool out of myself. I am starting to avoid social situations and staying home more. My world has become increasingly more and more narrow. I am so sad, words cannot describe it. I pray to God that there is some hope tomorrow because I am coming to the end of my rope.