Faith – 12/6/12 – Thursday – As usual, I wake up feeling stiff and sore, but try to put a positive spin on the day. It actually was a good day because I was busy up until 4 pm. I decided to miss the Christmas party tonight. That was not my original intention and I was going to bake something to take, but as the day progressed I became increasingly exhausted (specifically my legs) and started dragging my right leg. I just kept thinking that it would be embarrassing if I fell or dropped my plate or had to have someone carry it for me. Then if people hadn’t seen me lately, they would be shocked to see how deteriorated I seem, barely able to walk. So, I just said to myself that I have to let my body rest, no matter what. I’m sure nobody was terribly upset that I didn’t show up. I’ll hit a meeting tomorrow and this way, I will rest and not eat like a pig, as I always do with these eating meetings. I made a nice meal here and just relaxed. I sometimes think it is better not to see people who are improving after surgery because it makes me angry. I know that is not the reaction that I am supposed to have but I simply cannot help myself. I mean no ill will for anyone, I just feel angry and jealous, even though I know it is irrational. I also notice that people get sick of hearing how you are not doing very well because people’s natural proclivity is to assume that after surgery you will improve. So, when I tell them I am not doing as well as I thought, their eyes glaze over and they drift away. Nobody wants to hear bad news and I guess I don’t blame them at all. When I spoke with Gail last night she said for me to “hang in there” and go into prayer mode. She said she would say prayers for me too. I prayed and prayed and prayed and sometimes I guess it works. The trick is believing in prayer and God even when there is no evidence that the prayers are working, because it is often not instantaneous, as I would like. But, having faith is the key. Faith equals hope and when there is no faith there is no hope and no hope is death to me.