Prayer and Peace – 12/7/12 – Friday – I woke up feeling just as sore and stiff as usual. I looked on line about prayer sites and decided I would try to be at least a little bit peaceful today. So, I went to a meeting and the topic was weird, “Why is life unfair” and at first I felt like rolling my eyes. But, we went around the room and when I spoke I just said that I don’t know what fair is. I have no idea why this is happening to me but why not me. For some reason, my right leg seemed a little stronger and maybe it’s my imagination but I grasped this little smidgeon of hope and ran with it. It seemed that my walking was better and stronger too. I decided to forego walking on the treadmill which always tires my right leg out so maybe that was the key. I just had the feeling that I will get better. That feeling may be gone tomorrow because I may wake up feeling just as bad as usual, but for tonight I will take it. I cancelled my membership at Golds and joined, as of January, the Y again (mainly for the pool—to rehab). I got my scholarship for a $20 reduction in the fee. Then I finished the work that Laurie gave me to do. Even though it is needed I still feel like this is charity on her part. I am planning on having at least another month (or two) of disability, since I cannot see me suddenly getting well enough to do massage in two weeks. With that thinking in mind, I gave the forms to both Laurie and to the surgeon’s nurse, in anticipation of them saying I should have at least another month. I sure wish I really did not need it, but I do, and I am not faking it. I almost feel guilty when I speak to the Aflac rep and to Laurie. I just want to say to them, “Look, you have no damn idea what the hell I feel like. Don’t judge me until you walk in my shoes. How would you like it if you couldn’t even walk properly due to severe weakness in your leg? How would you like it if your body was numb from the waist down and your legs are freezing at night?” Maybe it is my imagination, but it just seems like they are annoyed that I am asking for another month, but I cannot help it. I may need another month or permanent disability, who knows. I have to take one day at a time and be prepared to file when I need to. I am going to practice prayer and actually believe it this time. Plus, Gail said that they would pray for me, which I know is powerful. I must believe that I will get better.