January 3, 2013
I am now going to the Y and it feels like home again. The first 2 days I did workouts on the Arc Trainer and other machines. It felt good at the time, but afterwards, my symptoms seemed way worse—almost unbearable. I went back the next day and did the same type of exercises, and this time later in the day, it was terrible. I don’t know if there is a correlation between the two. I had the file sent (if they at least sent it yet) to the new surgeon that Michael recommended. I have to investigate all avenues at this point. I have now started aquatics therapy in the new Y pool specifically for the handicapped. Who would’ve thought that this would happen to me; just like who would think that they would become a quadriplegic—you just never know what life will present to you. I am totally exhausted now and actually having a hard time walking again. I hope this is just because of the strenuous nature of the pool therapy. I really enjoyed it and want to continue tomorrow.
January 4, 2013
It seems that no matter what physical exertion I do—either “strenuous” or just cleaning, I feel worse nerve pain. I don’t know which is worse, the intense pressure on my abdomen and back or the burning and not being able to walk in my legs. If I could just get up in the morning and feel that there was at least SOME miniscule improvement from the day before I would have hope. But, it is exactly the same as the day before, no matter how much or how little I do. I can’t just stay in bed or on the couch all day because they want me to exercise (probably just a little) but it is 2 months since surgery and this is ridiculous. If I just sit around all day I will gain tons of weight and be super depressed. I don’t know what the answer is at this point. I was hoping since I took the Gapapentin last night I would feel less terrible. I say LESS terrible because I never, ever, feel really good anymore. “Less terrible” is my new reality; I can’t even hope at this point for “feeling great” or “feeling decent” or walking normally. I would settle for just having at least less pressure on my belly which is unbearable sometimes. I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t experienced this knows what it is like to feel like you have a lead corset pressing in on your belly every day. The pressure is so intense that I cry sometimes. It is so hard to live at this point. I am going to the pool today, but yesterday it seemed like I felt worse afterwards and at this point I am at my wit’s end; I just don’t have any answers anymore. My current doctors seem to have just given up on me. I guess when the surgical result is not what they want they just throw in the towel. In this modern day of miracles, I cannot believe that there are no answers. There has got to be something else wrong with me that they are missing, and I just KNOW this! I just need help from above. I pray each day for a miracle or at least a little bit of progress—maybe today is that day! HOPE, that is what I need, HOPE—hope is everything, after all!