February 9, 2013 – Saturday
Well, the new year is starting out like 2012. Already I have gotten a huge bill in the mail for the new round of epidural steroid injections, which may or may not work. Considering that I have almost no money coming into this household, it is very frightening. I did one massage yesterday and one today. I have been taking a new medication for the stiffness in my legs and it seems to work somewhat but as usual there is a side effect of weak, wobbly legs. I did the massage today with that kind of balance (or lack of balance) but I miraculously got through it. I kept watching the clock and hoping it was over because I am working in fear. It is amazing how many things I took for granted when I was a “normal” person. I went over to Starbucks for a treat and I wanted to sit in a nice comfortable cushioned seat but it would’ve entailed me maneuvering past multiple people with my cane, my drink, my purse, and my book—that was not happening. Then I wanted to go into Krogers to buy some mozzarella cheese but thought about how long and arduous a process that would have been requiring me to find a handicapped spot, park, drive through a crowded parking lot, get a shopping cart (even though I would normally not need one for just one item, but it helps me walk), etc. I then made the decision to just pass on going in, even though I really wanted that cheese for dinner. Who would’ve thought that I would get jealous of people just walking or driving without even putting any thought into this simple act? Everything is harder when you are disabled, and that is what I am at this point. I have to think twice before embarking on any activity, even simple things. I will continue to pray for God to help me find a solution or if not, to accept this because I cannot live in bitterness or anger; then the surgeon has won and I will have lost more than my ability to walk.