February 12, 2013
I have stopped taking all the medications that the doctors prescribed because they make my legs even more wobbly than normal. There are some days when I suddenly find myself miraculously “walking” almost normally. It is shocking and I am filled with so much hope that maybe I am starting to turn the corner. But then, the next day, I am often back to the same old thing. Some days my balance is actually pretty good and then, suddenly the next day, I have Jello for legs. It is like a roller coaster and each day is a new experience. I just wish that when I make a small improvement, it would last so I would feel that I was getting better, even if it takes a year or more. If I could just see some definite progress, and if I have progress, it would be so wonderful if I did not regress again. Maybe these little snippets of progress, like getting decent balance, or actually almost walking normally, or my leg working well when I drive, mean that there is some kind of improvement. Maybe this means that the nerve is healing. I know I am supposed to do my PT exercises and I do them religiously. However, every so often I don’t do anything and I seem to feel less pain, with better walking. I just cannot find a common denominator that tells me what works and what does not. I do know that I have to keep my muscles exercised so they won’t atrophy—-although my right leg has already done that. I must also guard against falling into the pit of depression, which is so easy to do. I can feel OK early in the day and by the evening, the unrelenting pain just gets me down and I can feel myself drifting into that abyss of hopelessness.