Sometimes I need to allow myself some grace. I woke up on Sunday with the reality that I am no longer officially employed. Although I had weaned myself off work gradually by going to only two days a week, it still was almost shocking. On Friday, I was told that I could indeed make that Saturday my last day, and was thrilled. “Isn’t that what you wanted?” I thought, yet I felt unprepared. “Yikes, you are officially retired”, which means I am officially “old”. But, I don’t feel retired at all, rather, I am actually busier now that I am no longer working in the traditional sense. I make sure that I am productive every day on creative endeavors, but the problem is I don’t allow myself some downtime to breathe. I make a TO DO list the night before which is pretty intense. It includes working on my Blog, photography, submitting photos to Stock sites, twitter, Facebook, and on and on. It is ridiculous because when I don’t complete my “assignments”, I feel as if I failed, and I berate myself. I always feel like I am in a race against time because of FEAR that I am rapidly running out of it. Logically I know this FEAR is due to the nightmarish medical condition I experienced, my healthy friend getting MDS, my other friend having MS, etc. The thing is, anything can happen to anyone at any time and I must not let that be my driving force. I would never push a friend to accomplish everything I want to cram into my day, yet I never give myself a break. I often think that spending downtime, having coffee with a friend, is wasted time, when it is therapeutic. I would never inflict the kinds of demands on someone else that I do on myself. I believe giving myself GRACE–permission not to be superwoman–requires practice. I just have to find the time to practice it.
Month: April 2014
Invisible
For the past ten years or so, I find I have something in common with a vampire–I am becoming invisible. As an adult, I never lacked for male attention and always had someone in my life. But, as the years have rolled on, I find I am not noticed anymore. I find myself not wanting to reveal my age, as if it is a source of shame. Or I become the victim of unintentioned age discrimination, at the doctor’s office, job, or anywhere where you fill out an application with your birthdate. A few years ago, I went to the occupational therapist ‘s office to be fitted for an arm wrap for lymphedema. The therapist, seeing my date of birth, automatically assumed I was a dottering old fool, and had a particular sleeve picked out for me. But when she saw me, she was shocked and had to revise the prescription. I have been guilty of this too, when reviewing the Intake form for new massage clients, I’ve make assumptions based their date of birth. Additionally, TV is filled with nubile young things, competing on reality shows, or sitcoms with sexual innuendos, which doesn’t help. Social media virtually ignores an older woman, unless she is a celebrity. In many cultures, older people are valued and held in high regard, but not this culture. I, for one, have kept myself in decent shape by exercising, eating right, not smoking, getting cosmetic tweaks here and here, yet I still feel nobody even looks twice at me. I thought that I was the only one, but apparently not–I recently heard a woman say that very thing on TV. Also, I just had a long discussion with a friend at the gym about how she feels devalued and invisible the older she gets. I go to a spinning class with a woman who is 63, and she is more vibrant, in-shape, and athletic than most much younger woman. The same holds true for me–I am in much better shape and athletic than many younger girls, yet, why am I becoming invisible? I wish I knew a way to think of myself as beautiful, regardless of my age. But, I live in this youth oriented society and perhaps unconsciously, perpetrate that attitude too. Until then, I’m afraid that one of these days I will get up in the morning, and just like a vampire, not be able to see my reflection.
Courage to Move Forward
I have finally gotten the courage to move forward in my life. But, why is it that people look at me as if I had lost my mind when I tell them I have quit my job? Most people’s responses are, “What will you do?”, as if I only know how to do one thing. When I see clients in the massage room, they always ask me, “So how long have you been doing this?” Maybe I’m just being hypersensitive, but I often wonder if I get asked that because I am obviously the oldest therapist there, or they are just curious. When I explain to people that I am reconnecting with the creative me–the one I put on the back burner for so many years while I earned a living, I am met with a blank look. At that time, it was a necessity, but that time is over and I am ready to embark on a new life adventure. I want to thrive, not merely survive. People should not be defined by their occupation, because there is often so much more. I spent 4 years chasing after “success” in massage and measuring it by how many “regular” clients I had. I just could never compete with the more popular therapists and always felt inferior. Then when I came home, my creativity was zero because it had been sucked dry. The next day, I would repeat the same thing, and the next, and the next, only to be back on Monday doing it all over. Why do people not understand this?
Being Positive
Being positive takes practice and some people seem to have conquered it, but for others (me included) it takes great effort. I truly believe that it comes naturally for some, being born into a “happy” family. I think the family dynamic is the key; families are either happy or sad. I don’t think it is a coincidence that both my brother and I suffer from depression. My family was definitely SAD and dysfunctional, where everyone did their own thing. My first husband once remarked that my family seemed like just a bunch of people who just happened to be living in the same apartment. I never had anyone to model myself after so I grew up with a pessimistic view of the world. It has been proven that positive people actually live longer. I think negativity becomes a bad habit that is very hard to break but I have been trying. Ok, it is so easy for me to be in a happy state of mind when the day is going as planned or something external boosts my morale, but the challenge is maintaining that positive attitude. Yes, tragic and terrible things happen and it would be ridiculous to expect to remain optimistic. But I feel that having a predisposition towards positivity helps you deal with tragic or trying events when life deals you a big blow. It’s also important to distinguish between life-altering events and just annoying everyday aggregations. Just a little over a year ago I was using a cane, had no balance, and was in constant nerve pain which led me to hopelessness. But since the miraculous surgery which corrected the problem, I have been trying to be grateful and be more positive. I try not to freak out about some unexpected car repair, or dental bill anymore. Yes, my poor old car is a money pit, but on the other hand, I can drive normally when just a short while ago, my right leg was partially paralyzed. My Mom used to say “It’s only money” and that is so true. Am I always successful in being positive?–absolutely not, but I will continue to practice.