If Only

The world of “If Only” is a fantasy world I sometimes live in. It is a very dangerous place and nothing good can come from visiting, especially if I stay too long. If Only is a close cousin to Regret so I try very hard not to say those two toxic words. Yet I still find myself thinking, “If only I had done…..” or “If only I didn’t do such and such, or “If only I were rich”…..—you can fill in the blanks and any way you look at it, you end up with remorse over some missed opportunity, or a regret over something you did that you are sorry for. It’s too bad that we can’t just turn the clock back or hit the undo button on a decision we’ve made. We are all human and sometimes we don’t always think things through when we decide to embark on a journey. A case of the “If Onlys” can also lead to envy and jealousy especially when you cannot afford some material item that your wealthy friend can. Then you say, “If only I had married better” or “If only I had not been so stupid to divorce my husband so quickly”. The thing is that whatever is done or was not done, you have to live with the consequences or live with the reality of a situation you cannot control. Acceptance and the Serenity Prayer go a long way when I am living in that fantasyland of “If Only.” My options are to “accept the things I cannot change” and “have the courage to change the things I can” and to “have the wisdom to know the difference.” Since we know we just cannot press the delete button on bad choices, the sooner we realize we cannot change them, we can move forward and create a better life based in the reality of now. “If only” keeps you mired in the past or keeps you in a perpetual state of jealousy, depression, regret, and remorse. Either way, you are stuck and personal growth ceases.

Hope

When I was a child in school, I heard a poem that stuck with me throughout the years, called Richard Cory. Somehow I always remembered it for the message. It was about a man named Richard Cory who was a pillar of the community, rich, handsome, refined, a gentleman, dressed impeccably, and seemed to have the world by the tail. Everyone would see him floating through the town, greeting everyone graciously, and envied him for his wealth and happy life. But the end of the poem is what struck me, even as a child for it seems that one fine Summer evening, he went home and put a bullet in his head. Somehow (and me included) people seem to think that just because you have acquired “stuff” you will be happy. Whenever you hear of a celebrity committing suicide who seemed to have it all, you scratch your head and wonder why. But even if you think you know someone, you never really know the inner workings of their mind and the demons they may be grappling with. Sometimes suicide may seem like the only way out of a seemingly hopeless situation. I think more people than would want to admit it have considered (even fleetingly) at some point in time, that the world is no longer a place they wish to inhabit. But my theory is that it takes more courage to keep on living than to take the easy way out and end your existence. Upon interviewing surviving POWs, who spent years in a virtual hell, imprisoned by the enemy, one thing became clear—that hope and a positive attitude got them through. The people who lost hope died. I know for myself, in my darkest days, if I get even one smidgeon of hope, it will carry me through another day. It is that “one day at a time” concept, so popular in all 12 Step Programs, that keeps you looking for the rainbow in the midst of never-ending rain.