Being Positive

Being positive takes practice and some people seem to have conquered it, but for others (me included) it takes great effort. I truly believe that it comes naturally for some, being born into a “happy” family. I think the family dynamic is the key; families are either happy or sad. I don’t think it is a coincidence that both my brother and I suffer from depression. My family was definitely SAD and dysfunctional, where everyone did their own thing. My first husband once remarked that my family seemed like just a bunch of people who just happened to be living in the same apartment. I never had anyone to model myself after so I grew up with a pessimistic view of the world. It has been proven that positive people actually live longer. I think negativity becomes a bad habit that is very hard to break but I have been trying. Ok, it is so easy for me to be in a happy state of mind when the day is going as planned or something external boosts my morale, but the challenge is maintaining that positive attitude. Yes, tragic and terrible things happen and it would be ridiculous to expect to remain optimistic. But I feel that having a predisposition towards positivity helps you deal with tragic or trying events when life deals you a big blow. It’s also important to distinguish between life-altering events and just annoying everyday aggregations. Just a little over a year ago I was using a cane, had no balance, and was in constant nerve pain which led me to hopelessness. But since the miraculous surgery which corrected the problem, I have been trying to be grateful and be more positive. I try not to freak out about some unexpected car repair, or dental bill anymore. Yes, my poor old car is a money pit, but on the other hand, I can drive normally when just a short while ago, my right leg was partially paralyzed. My Mom used to say “It’s only money” and that is so true. Am I always successful in being positive?–absolutely not, but I will continue to practice.

Go With Your Gut

People always say, “Just go with your gut.” I never quite understood that completely but I recently learned that the “GUT” is considered “the second brain.” There is a distinct connection between the brain and the GI tract (the gut). So many people make “logical decisions” when their basic core is saying otherwise. I’ve been trying to connect more with my gut lately and I’ve been pretty successful, but not always. I sometimes resort to logic alone rather than listening to my “second brain”. My brain kept telling me to “hang in there” and keep working at a profession that I no longer enjoy, let alone dislike. My brain keeps me living in fear; fear of running out of money and being destitute, which comes from a childhood fraught with financial insecurity, brought on by a compulsive gambling dad. Is this a rational way of thinking at my age?–of course not, but I still make so many decisions based on that old fear. Ok, as a responsible human being I cannot totally abandon logical thinking, but sometimes you just have to “go for it.” My MO is to deny, deny, deny, until it becomes apparent that I must make a decision one way or another. A few months ago I took the plunge and gave notice but left the door open for 2 days of work per week, which was still hanging onto my fear. Then a few weeks ago I decided to pack it in completely, in spite of being scared to death. But, being brave is different for each individual and what you may think is no big deal, might be petrifying to someone else. I think it comes down to FAITH–faith in yourself to let go of your base fears and actually listen to your GUT. I think your gut will lead you in the right direction if you let it.

Urgency

Every morning I wake up with a sense of urgency that if I don’t make every minute count in the day, if I waste any part of the day, then I am a failure. Ever since I gave notice to my job, I am actually very busy “working” on creative endeavors such as photography, writing, etc. That sounds great but it has become an obsession now and I never give myself permission to just veg out and chill. That was actually what Saturday was for when I had that day off. For years now, I’ve been working on Saturday so I don’t have that one day when I allow myself a bit of grace. I miss it and I need it. If I were giving people advice I would tell them to not take life so seriously and relax. But that doesn’t seem to apply to me because if I relax, I feel like I am wasting time. Ever since I got my life back, I have a sense of urgency that I have to make every minute count; that life is flying by at warp speed and I have to “make my mark” before I get “old.” I know that I have been given an incredible gift from God, which I do not take lightly, and I know how very fragile life is. I look at my friend Janet who was suddenly diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness, my friend Jane who has MS, and an old friend who has battled cancer for 2 years, and I know how lucky I am. I also know there is such a thing as balance but I don’t know how to be “lazy” sometimes and be ok with it. What I need to do is “live in the day” to some extent, and stop thinking about tomorrow so much. But unless I get a brain transplant, changing my inner core, I can only try.

Value Yourself

Learning to value yourself is a lesson that is not easy for most people. Today I had a friend request on Twitter from an amazing photographer and author. First of all, my first reaction was, “Why would someone of his caliber even bother wanting to follow me?” Then I logged onto his profile and saw the most fantastic photographs from all over the world, but instead of marveling at his talent, I felt inadequate and small. At that moment I was ready to just give up on myself because I felt, “What’s the point, I’ll never even be in his league.” But as my wise friend Janet always used to tell me when I started comparing myself to others and coming up short, “Stop looking over the fence at other people’s yards.” I have to remember, I just started back with photography, after many years of just using a point and shoot camera. That negative thinking would prevent many people from writing, blogging, playing tennis, skiing, or anything if they compared themselves to the pros. I must realize that my work has value and I am a valuable person. Even if I don’t make a red cent on my pictures or my writing, it is a creative outlet for me and I must remember that I am valuable.

Overthinking

Overthinking; that can be a good thing or a curse, depending on how you view it. I am usually not an impulsive person, but sometimes I just don’t listen to my gut. I thought I was being “brave” a few months ago when I decided to give my job notice. But my resignation letter left the door open a crack by saying I’d be willing to work 1 or 2 days a week. In my heart of hearts I was hoping the owner would refuse that option, but she accepted it. So, although I now work Fridays and Saturdays, I still hate it and I get more and more resentful as the week progresses that I “have” to even be there. Also, in just those 2 days, I still get reprimanded. Last week and this week, I was told I had fallen down on my Spa etiquette. Both times I was about to say, “OK, this is not working, so I will be leaving in a month.” But I held back out of FEAR, and we all know that FEAR is the thief of dreams. It’s crazy to keep working there because I made arrangements to get enough money sent to me to live, but I am greedy. It all comes from my childhood where life was uncertain and I always felt I was living in the Coney Island Steeplechase funhouse, with constantly shifting floor boards due to our money situation. It’s hard to break old habits and that fear still exists and I always fear I will end up living in the street. In reality I was not totally brave, and that is not being brave at all.

Loser

The only loser is someone who never even tries–that is my belief. I’ve been taking the steps to submit some photos to a stock agency. I say “steps” because I signed up for a course where they walk you through the process, step by step. So, rather than just submit photos I think are great, I am doing research to see what types of photos are accepted. I started to get negative earlier in the day because I see that there is a “test” involved in one agency. My automatic response (from years of negative conditioning) was, “Oh, I won’t pass the test and I won’t be able to even get out of the starting gate.” Then I said to myself, “Well, why even try at all. I’ll fail just like I always do.” Then that progressed to, “You’re just a loser.” My question is why do some people give up before they even try? I think it comes down to belief in yourself and that quality is the reason some people become an “overnight success” in the entertainment field after years and years of toiling away and just never giving up. That is the key to success in anything: perseverance, no matter how many rejections you receive. You have to take those rejections and turn them into positives by learning from them. So many people avoid rejection by just sticking with the tried and true–never taking chances. This way they never “fail”, but it has the exact opposite result; they never succeed. Yes, the only “loser” is someone who never tries, but also someone who stops believing in their abilities after a few rejections. You hear stories of well known authors who received so many rejections that probably anyone else would have just thrown in the towel and quit. But they refused to give up. So, to me, the only loser is a quitter.

Being Your Own Cheerleader

Sometimes, you have to be your own cheerleader. For the past two days I have fallen into the depression and hopelessness trap. That does not happen too often because of the amount of gratitude I have regarding my physical state compared to a year ago. But I get overwhelmed with all the steps involved in growing my blog. Today it came to a head, and all the old tapes started playing in my head, telling me I am a loser, and what are you doing this for, and who would even want to read your blog anyway–and on and on. But sometimes all it takes is a little hope and your attitude can turn around in an instant. I know that God is leading me someplace, but sometimes I don’t listen to the signs. It is no coincidence that I have gotten back into photography again, after all these years. My biggest problem is that I don’t believe in myself and I am always waiting for validation from others. In addition, when things get too difficult I just give up. I know from all my readings that you will never achieve anything if you don’t persevere. It all comes back to belief in yourself and not listening to the old negative voices in your own head from your childhood. I, for one, was told from an early age that I was “stupid” every day of my life by my father, until I believed it. As a result I lacked the self confidence to pursue a career in art, which is what I wanted. When you have no confidence, you never think you are good enough and go through your life settling. Granted, I did o.k. for myself, but at my stage in life I must start taking chances and trying to shed that inferiority I felt my whole life because I listened and, most importantly believed, the negativity from my parents. It is time to believe in myself, no matter if nobody else does. Yes if you don’t have a cheerleader (and lots of us don’t) you have to be your own.

Finding Contentment Wherever You Are

April 20, 2013

Last year in July I was all set to travel to Guatemala with an old friend that I had just gotten reacquainted with again. However he ended up canceling on me after the trip was already booked. He put the bug in me that I didn’t have to live a mundane life, but I still sure didn’t want to go on my own. In the end, I went alone, determined to find a new life, however what I found was something else. I studied my Spanish over and over and it helped to some extent, but I was often lost when people spoke too fast. I was plagued by severe pain all over my body (due to spinal and back problems which I found out later) and a bum right knee. So that limited my enjoyment of the culture tremendously. But even worse than the physical problems was the intense loneliness that engulfed me each day. Each night—except for two—I would dread dinner because I knew I would be eating alone while all the other tables were filled with happy, smiling, and laughing people. I felt so conspicuous and tried to act as if this was something natural for me. But underneath it all, I was so very sad. When I moved onto my next hotel in Panajachel, I was thrilled at how beautiful the resort was, the room, the weather, and everything. But it soon became apparent that I was still in severe physical pain but even more importantly psychic pain. Which brings me to my point: no matter where I go in the world, I am still bringing myself. Traveling or living abroad will not make me any happier than I would be if I lived at home. I know for sure that happiness is within and absolutely know that I need to share my travels with another person. It took going overseas to help me realize that where I live will not make me content. I kept thinking about what I would do with myself every day while that poor Guatemalan real estate agent showed me numerous apartments. Traveling per se doesn’t equal bliss but having a purpose and passion in my life will bring me a measure of contentment, no matter where I live!

Adversity Teaches Empathy

It is amazing that so many people take for granted being well and feeling well. There is nothing more humbling than having a debilitating illness or injury to bring you back to earth. I have been one of those athletic people who would look at someone struggling in the gym or out just walking slowly, without trying to understand that each person has a story. I have been struggling for many months with debilitating back pain and severe degenerated right knee. My back and knee pain was so bad that I would have to hobble from bed into the bathroom each morning, walking like I was 85. The constant, unrelenting pain and soreness also affected my state of mind, causing depression. It is so hard to look at the bright side of things when you are hurting over and over and life looks so bleak. It was so humbling and embarrassing on my trip to Guatemala. On the plane I would start to get anxious when we were about to land knowing that my back and knee would be so stiff that it would take a while for me to unbend. Getting up and carrying my luggage out of the plane was torture. I always thought of myself as this physically fit specimen and now I felt like a cripple, limping down the aisle. Things that I used to take for granted, like climbing down the steps of the airplane (in Augusta for some reason you have to climb down these stupid steep steps to get off the plane) caused me so much anxiety—being so afraid that I would fall or need assistance. When you are physically well, things like that don’t even occur to you. Now things that were never issues were now major concerns. Once in Guatemala, I was in constant pain, living on Ibuprofen. It prevented me from going on walking tours and, coupled with me being lonely, I was miserable. When I went on a tour to Panajachel I had to constantly climb in and out of the boat that ferried us from village to village on Lake Atitlan and that was pure torture. Once if it had not been for two guys holding me, I would have collapsed, due to my knee totally buckling under me. Back in the States, it did not get any better and I have since had knee surgery (much more extensive than I thought it would be) and have also had epidural steroid injections to my back. I want to travel now, but I was unable to plan for anything due to the constant uncertainty of my physical condition. Whenever there is a life altering event, whether it be a loss of a job, illness, death, divorce, you always look for a reason. The thing is that I feel there are no coincidences in God’s world and it may not be revealed until years later or weeks, you do not know. I am slowly starting to feel better but being so debilitated gave me real empathy for others. When I see people hobbling slowly across the street I know that there is a story behind it. I have a friend who suffers from MS and is on disability. She is estranged from her family who is totally unsupportive, yet she still perseveres. Another woman I went to school with just finished battling stage 4 uterine cancer, having gone through hell with chemotherapy, major surgery, colostomy, and having to rely on others since she lives alone. Then I look at myself and realize that maybe it is not that bad. Of course, when you are feeling better it is easy to look back and say it was not so bad. I am still having problems with numbness in my body, but maybe this is God’s lesson for me; be grateful for each day that you feel well and don’t take it for granted. It has given me a better understanding of other’s problems and pain, physically and mentally. Nobody has a perfect life, although sometimes it seems that some people do on the outside. It has also given me more of an incentive to change my life because I can appreciate that there are no guarantees that you will be around tomorrow or even later in the day. We take for granted that we have an infinite amount of time to achieve that elusive happiness and that is not true. My friend Janet is now in France with her husband, one among many trips they take. They are living now, not putting off what may never happen if they waited. Being so ill has put a time frame to my plans. I know that I absolutely cannot continue to live a life doing what I don’t want to do. I ask myself sometimes, “when are you most happy.” The answer always comes back, “when I am not at work.” It is time for me to move on to the next phase of my life. I am so consumed with making money due to my upbringing (compulsive gambler dad) when money went flying out the window and life was insecure, that now it is my main focus. Yes, money does buy things I like, but continuing doing what I don’t want to do is killing me over and over. One day I will wake up and it will be my last day on earth and I will die never having taken the big risks and living a life of my dreams and how sad is that?

Remembering 9/11 Eleven Years Later

I would be remiss if I did not make mention of the 11th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Last year was very traumatic for me as I watched the commemorations and footage of that horrible day. I sat in front of the T.V. crying and saying I was going to turn it off, yet I was unable to move. It was somehow reminiscent of that day 10 years earlier when my friend Janet and I sat glued to the T.V. all day long, in a fog, and in total disbelief. I cannot believe it has been 11 years since the death of my friend Angela. She was beautiful inside and out. On this day I want to salute every one of the heroes who came out to help and all the people who lost loved ones that day. For months I had “survivors guilt” because I was not in my office that morning. I kept saying that I should have been there and questioned God why I wasn’t. That will never be known but I know there are a lot of angels in heaven. I am just grateful that the mastermind of this atrocity was brought to justice and will serve a life-sentence in hell.