Courage to Move Forward

I have finally gotten the courage to move forward in my life. But, why is it that people look at me as if I had lost my mind when I tell them I have quit my job? Most people’s responses are, “What will you do?”, as if I only know how to do one thing. When I see clients in the massage room, they always ask me, “So how long have you been doing this?” Maybe I’m just being hypersensitive, but I often wonder if I get asked that because I am obviously the oldest therapist there, or they are just curious. When I explain to people that I am reconnecting with the creative me–the one I put on the back burner for so many years while I earned a living, I am met with a blank look. At that time, it was a necessity, but that time is over and I am ready to embark on a new life adventure. I want to thrive, not merely survive. People should not be defined by their occupation, because there is often so much more. I spent 4 years chasing after “success” in massage and measuring it by how many “regular” clients I had. I just could never compete with the more popular therapists and always felt inferior. Then when I came home, my creativity was zero because it had been sucked dry. The next day, I would repeat the same thing, and the next, and the next, only to be back on Monday doing it all over. Why do people not understand this?


Overthinking; that can be a good thing or a curse, depending on how you view it. I am usually not an impulsive person, but sometimes I just don’t listen to my gut. I thought I was being “brave” a few months ago when I decided to give my job notice. But my resignation letter left the door open a crack by saying I’d be willing to work 1 or 2 days a week. In my heart of hearts I was hoping the owner would refuse that option, but she accepted it. So, although I now work Fridays and Saturdays, I still hate it and I get more and more resentful as the week progresses that I “have” to even be there. Also, in just those 2 days, I still get reprimanded. Last week and this week, I was told I had fallen down on my Spa etiquette. Both times I was about to say, “OK, this is not working, so I will be leaving in a month.” But I held back out of FEAR, and we all know that FEAR is the thief of dreams. It’s crazy to keep working there because I made arrangements to get enough money sent to me to live, but I am greedy. It all comes from my childhood where life was uncertain and I always felt I was living in the Coney Island Steeplechase funhouse, with constantly shifting floor boards due to our money situation. It’s hard to break old habits and that fear still exists and I always fear I will end up living in the street. In reality I was not totally brave, and that is not being brave at all.