When I was a child in school, I heard a poem that stuck with me throughout the years, called Richard Cory. Somehow I always remembered it for the message. It was about a man named Richard Cory who was a pillar of the community, rich, handsome, refined, a gentleman, dressed impeccably, and seemed to have the world by the tail. Everyone would see him floating through the town, greeting everyone graciously, and envied him for his wealth and happy life. But the end of the poem is what struck me, even as a child for it seems that one fine Summer evening, he went home and put a bullet in his head. Somehow (and me included) people seem to think that just because you have acquired “stuff” you will be happy. Whenever you hear of a celebrity committing suicide who seemed to have it all, you scratch your head and wonder why. But even if you think you know someone, you never really know the inner workings of their mind and the demons they may be grappling with. Sometimes suicide may seem like the only way out of a seemingly hopeless situation. I think more people than would want to admit it have considered (even fleetingly) at some point in time, that the world is no longer a place they wish to inhabit. But my theory is that it takes more courage to keep on living than to take the easy way out and end your existence. Upon interviewing surviving POWs, who spent years in a virtual hell, imprisoned by the enemy, one thing became clear—that hope and a positive attitude got them through. The people who lost hope died. I know for myself, in my darkest days, if I get even one smidgeon of hope, it will carry me through another day. It is that “one day at a time” concept, so popular in all 12 Step Programs, that keeps you looking for the rainbow in the midst of never-ending rain.
I am living in the land of Nowhere and it is very frightening. Many years ago, when my two boys were very young, I took them on a car trip to Great Adventure, in NJ. Now anyone who knows me well understands that driving anyplace new is highly traumatic since I have literally no sense of direction. This of course was in the days before GPS technology and cell phones, so I had to rely on actual written instructions and directional skills from my sons too. Miraculously we arrived at Great Adventure uneventfully and met up with my then sister-in-law and her kids. Throughout the entire day, I was extremely anxious about the drive home, worrying that I would get lost (a huge phobia I have). By the time we said our good-byes, it was dark, making it even harder to navigate. Sure enough we found ourselves in a lonely, dark wooded area, with no visible signs, going around and around in circles. My poor children had to endure the increasing panic that engulfed me each time we found ourselves back to the beginning. After many desperate attempts to extract myself from that never-ending merry-go-round, I blurted out that we were officially in “Nowheresville.” At the time, the kids actually thought that was very funny, and it makes me laugh now, but at the time, I was terror-stricken. Now so many years later, I still sometimes get the feeling that I am in “Nowheresville”, sometimes known as “Loserville” or “Lonelyville”, depending on my specific state of mind on that particular day. When I was officially employed and doing “important” work, I didn’t have time to feel like I lived in “Nowheresville.” But now that I am on my own it is an effort to find a reason to “keep on keeping on” sometimes, especially in the morning. I constantly fill my life with all sorts of creative endeavors such as writing, photography classes, blog sites, social media, which creates a sense of peacefulness and purpose for a while, but it never lasts. Years ago I wrote in my journal that the amount of times I felt “good” and “peaceful” was so little that I actually could count them on my fingers, and I think that still holds true to this day. I live in the land of Nowhere, fleeing from the feeling that I am becoming more and more invisible as I get older, that I am alone, that I am becoming less valuable than I used to be, less relevant. Being creative and busy are good things when done for the right reasons. But, in reality, I am still seeking the praise, recognition, and love I never received as a child by filling my life with everything, when I am really running away from my demons. It’s human nature to not remember where we came from and to “forget” what life was like. When my life was a living hell with my medical issues and my son’s homelessness, I prayed and prayed to God to help me, and when my prayers were answered in the form of knowledge (about my spinal tumor) and surgery, I was literally glowing with happiness and filled with gratitude. But, almost two years later, I am feeling LOST again and I don’t know why. Life is a journey, and I know that my wild ride was not in vain because, although painful, I grew as a person. Human beings need to grow to thrive and I am doing just that, but sometimes maybe I need to just stand still and enjoy what I have NOW, rather than looking for the next thing, and the next thing. Maybe I need to just stand still and feel God’s grace.