Monday, 1/7/13 – I had an appointment with the doctor (PA actually) to talk about my stupid EMG. I don’t even know why the hell I bothered for all the good it did me. I waited an hour just to be called into a room where the medical assistant/nurse/or whatever they are just needed to update my file. I was very wobbly on my feet today and getting into the chair, I fell off. I did not even hurt myself at all, but they had to take a least 3 Xrays to make sure I didn’t break anything for liability purposes. So, that will add to my astronomical bill. It looks like 2013 is starting out the way 2012 was, complete with my son in dire straits. Then I finally saw the PA and she told me that the EMG shows only an old chronic injury in L5 and S1, which I don’t believe. My question was why did this not bother me before my surgery; why now. I know it is due to something going wrong but I cannot prove it. I know either that or they just did not correct the source of my problems. Either way, I am suffering and almost cannot bare it. They have dismissed me from their care and referred me to pain management (a doctor in their practice) so we’ll see. I know, in my heart of hearts, that something was missed. But, good luck in proving it and good luck in getting another neurosurgeon or doctor to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I have pretty much lost hope at this point and that is a dangerous place to be. In the meantime, the doctor has only approved (this is too unbelievable for me) a big whopping 4 more days of disability, until January 11th. Isn’t that generous of them—you would think that they are paying the money out of their paychecks (which are quite adequate so you’d think they would show some compassion). So, this never- ending saga continues into the new year with no end in sight.
Monday – December 31, 2012
Happy New year. I called the NS’s office and of course spoke with the nurse who told me that the EMG findings are nothing that would cause these symptoms. Apparently they indicate an old radiculopathy and nothing new. I was shocked that she did not even say she would speak to the NS to see what else could be done. I asked if she ever saw anything like that before and she said NO. So I said that basically they are dismissing me and she said she was sorry but they don’t know what else to do. I was at a meeting when I heard this and I left in a state of shock and sat in my car. I called a friend who has had problems too for the recommendation of her recent NS who she had success with. She gave me the name and I called. They cannot see me—if they even will see me—until the end of January. Apparently they need the records and also because my surgery is still so new they probably won’t even consider it. That is my guess and that leaves me nowhere. I am not even going to say what went through my head after that and I was in a fog. Ruth came over to the car to talk and we ended up going for coffee at Starbucks, which was a little relief. I then called my NS’s office and found out the procedure for sending medical records over to another doctor. It is done by snail mail and takes at least about 2 weeks. In the meantime, I must wait. The nurse at my current office said she will probably send me to see the occupational therapist to see my readiness for work, which is a joke. I am lost and I feel like I have run out of hope.
EMG – Saturday – December 29th – I went for the EMG yesterday and it showed some abnormality in the L5 and S1 levels of the spine. He said that this may account for the peculiar symptoms that I have in my legs. Monday I am calling and requesting that they send me for a CT scan before my appointment on Jan 7th. If I need to have additional surgery, I don’t want then diddling around for a few more weeks before they get me in. I want to have it and begin the process of healing again. I saw Michael who has had lots of experience with botched back surgery and she suggested her doctor. But, who knows if I will get to see him. I will try the current doctors and if they keep waiting and waiting to see me, then I will try someone else. I cannot and will not live a half life, especially if there is a way to be fixed. These doctors have no compassion and they have no idea how horrific it is to wake up each day with absolutely no change and to be told to “be patient” when you know that something is totally wrong and you keep getting the run-around over and over. Of course I am not progressing; they didn’t totally address the problem!!! I will demand that they get the next test in ASAP and if they are uncooperative, I will see another doctor; simple as that!
12/17/12 – Monday – I get the results of the MRI and they are negative—nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, everything looks great. The doctor reviewed the MRI with me and it really looks like everything is nice and opened up and not squished the way my spinal nerve was before. Then why the hell is my right leg numb and cold; then why am I still having all these terrible symptoms? I have no idea, and worse yet, neither does the surgeon. In the meantime, she ordered an EMG as a diagnostic tool to see if the signals are getting to my muscle. Actually there is really nothing that can be done if that is the case. In the meantime, I filed a continuation of disability form until my next appointment, January 7th.
12/18/12 – Tuesday – I had my PT appointment with Kevin and he said that actually he hopes the EMG shows nothing because then this will prove that all these symptoms are a result of a badly damaged nerve root, which hopefully will eventually heal. Healing takes forever with nerves, so I’ve been told and I have to be “patient”—that famous word again. If it is a true peripheral neuropathy, there is no cure, but it is good to know and not just guess. Again, I sure hope my damn insurance company covers this. After my PT I go to see my knee guy (not the surgeon) who gives me another shot of cortisone in hopes of reducing pain and inflammation. He also gives me a new knee brace to try to stabilize my knee. I then go to Walmart (my home away from home) to pick up a ball to use for my PT. I also stopped into Serenity to return the books that I purged and that started me on a path to depression. When I go in there I see people working and busy and it just makes me feel useless. I get scared that I will forget how to do massage. Now I am home and feeling lost and sad so I will do what I always do when feeling this way; get ready for bed. At least in bed I enter a land where I am not “crippled”. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was running over to get something as easily as I used to do. Then I woke up and the reality hit; that is not happening, at least not anytime soon. The other problem with sleeping is that I have to get up at night and in the morning which is torture because of my stiff and painful legs and knee, not to mention that I am wobbly and unsteady on my feet for a while. Anyway that is it for the day. Actually maybe, just maybe, I feel a little less numbness in my abdomen and back. But that is a BIG maybe so we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Remember I said that I can deal with the healing taking a long time, as long as I see some progress. So, I have to be on the alert for even the tiniest of advances. All those small progressions add up to total healing, even if it takes a year or more. I just need to keep my spirits up and not do things that cause me to feel sad; i.e., going over to Serenity too much.