Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Last Monday I agreed to do a spa service and massage on Saturday. Saturday morning I woke up practically unable to walk at all. My right leg kept giving out on me and I was going to cancel the service, but as the morning wore on, I started to walk decently. I was very nervous about the service but it came off OK. I still feel like a freak when I “walk” because if I don’t use my cane, I have to limp extensively. But in the massage room, I could at least hold onto the credenza and wall, or lean a bit on the table. I took off my shoes and I walked much better with better balance. I think I did a good service and the client gave me a $25 tip; she also seemed to enjoy it. So, apparently, if I am not feeling too bad, I actually can do massages. I sent out some texts to clients who said they will call, etc. One client said she is so glad that I am back to work now—little does she know that I am really just as bad as I was a month ago because there is absolutely no improvement at all; I just learn to “live with it” for now and do the best I can. I went to a meeting and everyone has a pitying expression and say, “I’m so sorry” to me over and over. That makes me feel so terrible and I want to not go out in public any more. Each night I pray that I find a doctor to help me feel better and at least get a little improvement, but each morning I awake with the same exact symptoms and feel so let down. This morning my clock radio played “Evil Ways” by Santana and it brought back memories of me dancing to that when I was a teenager. I have to be careful to not keep reminiscing because it brings on depression, something I cannot afford. I am also dealing with lots of jealousy of people doing just mundane things and not thinking about it, such as running, walking normally, just living their life without having to constantly be monitoring their every move or their body. I think the people in the Midday Group are used to me being “crippled” and they don’t keep telling me how “sorry” they are and that makes me feel more accepted and less freakish. I am scared to death that this new doctor will give me the same old song and dance about how he cannot help me and I will simply fall to pieces at that point. God, please help me find the doctor to help me get better and get a life back.