Surgery Log 2012 – Hope and Prayer

Hope and Prayer – 12/8/12 – Saturday – A strange day. As usual, I wake up feeling sore and stiff and barely able to walk. I try to put it out of my mind but it is hard. I do my PT exercises and walk outside. Then I go to a meeting, which makes me feel better. Ruth and I go out for coffee (although it is way too expensive) but I do it anyway. That was enjoyable. But, I can never predict how I will feel at any time of the day. Even if I am in a decent and accepting state of mind earlier, that can deteriorate in a matter of minutes if I let my mind go there. Cindy, the renter, went to a Christmas party and looked very nice before she left. I took a picture of her and she said if I were feeling better she’d ask me to go too. I just thought of the picture of me in a skirt with heels on. I would not even be able to walk and even if I could, my legs are so thin they look sick. Then I started to look up nerve regeneration and got more and more discouraged to the point that I am feeling upset again. I am falling into that trap I fall into each day at one time or another and that is hopelessness. All I need is hope and I have it each day usually, but it never lasts. I will get the birds ready for bed and go too. The only problem is that in the middle of the night I usually feel really sore (especially my right knee) so that doesn’t even give me relief. I’ll try more prayer.

Surgery Log 2012 – Prayer and Peace

Prayer and Peace – 12/7/12 – Friday – I woke up feeling just as sore and stiff as usual. I looked on line about prayer sites and decided I would try to be at least a little bit peaceful today. So, I went to a meeting and the topic was weird, “Why is life unfair” and at first I felt like rolling my eyes. But, we went around the room and when I spoke I just said that I don’t know what fair is. I have no idea why this is happening to me but why not me. For some reason, my right leg seemed a little stronger and maybe it’s my imagination but I grasped this little smidgeon of hope and ran with it. It seemed that my walking was better and stronger too. I decided to forego walking on the treadmill which always tires my right leg out so maybe that was the key. I just had the feeling that I will get better. That feeling may be gone tomorrow because I may wake up feeling just as bad as usual, but for tonight I will take it. I cancelled my membership at Golds and joined, as of January, the Y again (mainly for the pool—to rehab). I got my scholarship for a $20 reduction in the fee. Then I finished the work that Laurie gave me to do. Even though it is needed I still feel like this is charity on her part. I am planning on having at least another month (or two) of disability, since I cannot see me suddenly getting well enough to do massage in two weeks. With that thinking in mind, I gave the forms to both Laurie and to the surgeon’s nurse, in anticipation of them saying I should have at least another month. I sure wish I really did not need it, but I do, and I am not faking it. I almost feel guilty when I speak to the Aflac rep and to Laurie. I just want to say to them, “Look, you have no damn idea what the hell I feel like. Don’t judge me until you walk in my shoes. How would you like it if you couldn’t even walk properly due to severe weakness in your leg? How would you like it if your body was numb from the waist down and your legs are freezing at night?” Maybe it is my imagination, but it just seems like they are annoyed that I am asking for another month, but I cannot help it. I may need another month or permanent disability, who knows. I have to take one day at a time and be prepared to file when I need to. I am going to practice prayer and actually believe it this time. Plus, Gail said that they would pray for me, which I know is powerful. I must believe that I will get better.

Surgery Log 2012 – Faith

Faith – 12/6/12 – Thursday – As usual, I wake up feeling stiff and sore, but try to put a positive spin on the day. It actually was a good day because I was busy up until 4 pm. I decided to miss the Christmas party tonight. That was not my original intention and I was going to bake something to take, but as the day progressed I became increasingly exhausted (specifically my legs) and started dragging my right leg. I just kept thinking that it would be embarrassing if I fell or dropped my plate or had to have someone carry it for me. Then if people hadn’t seen me lately, they would be shocked to see how deteriorated I seem, barely able to walk. So, I just said to myself that I have to let my body rest, no matter what. I’m sure nobody was terribly upset that I didn’t show up. I’ll hit a meeting tomorrow and this way, I will rest and not eat like a pig, as I always do with these eating meetings. I made a nice meal here and just relaxed. I sometimes think it is better not to see people who are improving after surgery because it makes me angry. I know that is not the reaction that I am supposed to have but I simply cannot help myself. I mean no ill will for anyone, I just feel angry and jealous, even though I know it is irrational. I also notice that people get sick of hearing how you are not doing very well because people’s natural proclivity is to assume that after surgery you will improve. So, when I tell them I am not doing as well as I thought, their eyes glaze over and they drift away. Nobody wants to hear bad news and I guess I don’t blame them at all. When I spoke with Gail last night she said for me to “hang in there” and go into prayer mode. She said she would say prayers for me too. I prayed and prayed and prayed and sometimes I guess it works. The trick is believing in prayer and God even when there is no evidence that the prayers are working, because it is often not instantaneous, as I would like. But, having faith is the key. Faith equals hope and when there is no faith there is no hope and no hope is death to me.

Surgery Log 2012 – New Reality

New Reality – Sunday – I decide to clean my bathroom, even though I am still unsteady. My knee feels slightly better because I am not doing so much bending and flexing during exercise. Even the backwards squats, holding onto something, irritates my knee. I go to the gym and work out in the woman’s section so I won’t be so noticeable. I am acutely self-conscious about my limp and having to use the cane. But I guess it would be even more embarrassing if I fell, hence the cane. Maybe I need to get a distinctive walking stick for some flare! I do the treadmill, some biceps, triceps, shoulders, etc. using light 5 lb. weights. I also try the thigh and hip machine on an extremely low resistance. I am careful not to do anything that pulls on my back at all. All of a sudden I notice my damn knee is back to being painful, probably due to my small squats to strengthen my knee. Again, I am very discouraged. I am laying low today in the house, writing and taking it easy. Yes I could go out again, but I decide to just chill since it is Sunday. It is amazing how I actually wish I were working tomorrow because I am losing my mind with boredom. I love to write but as always, I lack structure in my life, which I so desperately need. My goal is to actually get better enough to start traveling, taking pictures with a new digital SLR, and getting paid with the pics. I am a good photographer and this is what I want to do. But, everything in my life is on hold until this incredible numbness in my legs gets resolved. My left leg is not so bad and not weak, but my right leg sometimes does not even support me at all. I am walking in fear all the time, and so slowly that it makes me feel extremely old. But I have to stop looking at my past and reliving my former self. I find myself saying, “Oh, I used to run marathons and be in great shape. I used to work out every day for an hour. I used to look good. I used to have gorgeous shapely calves, etc.” That does me no good whatsoever. I heard Stacey say that she would tell people that she used to make 100K and have a beautiful spacious home. The reality is that she lost all that and now lives in a nice apartment. My reality is that I no longer run, my right leg is atrophied a little due to weakness, I cannot work out the way I used to and my body does not look the way I want it to anymore. I have to accept this and move on to the next phase in my life. Hopefully, and God willing, my leg will improve as the numbness subsides, but as of now, my life is changed. I do not know when or if there will be improvement, although I’ve been told there will be. I have to latch onto that prognosis and try hard to notice even the most infinitesimal improvements. I never thought that I would take so much pleasure in such small things, but maybe that is why this is happening. My mood can turn around in an instant with just one small improvement in my walking, my knee, less numbness. But, conversely, it can go the other way when there seems to be no improvement or even a setback. I have to learn to roll with the punches and realize that ultimately it is my attitude that will save me.

Surgery Log 2012 – Relaxing Day

Relaxing Day – 11/21/12 – Wednesday – I decide to have a relaxing and nice day. Screw cleaning and everything; it’s not like I don’t have any time to do these chores due to my extremely busy schedule. If I have learned one thing about myself it is that is that I HATE being idyll. One of my goals was to start making money writing, yet I read a blog about just that. He says that most people will not be able to achieve this unless they are very web savvy, have specific content useful to others, and be persistent. I began to wonder if what I write is just whimsical musings and very self-indulgent. I spend so much time trying to be “something” and finding my true calling. Don’t you think I would know this by now at the ripe old age of 60? Just like I chase youth by getting various procedures to make me look younger, I actually believe that I am still young, which is probably not a bad thing. I guess I am like Peter Pan—-I won’t grow up. Unfortunately, my body does not share that same idea because time marches on. I call Joanne to wish her a happy birthday and then speak to David. He tells me that Joseph is actually and unbelievably invited to the family’s Thanksgiving gathering. I am shocked and pleasantly surprised that he is even invited and that he has accepted. It is the highlight of my day.

Surgery Log 2012 – Post op Laminectomy

Post op Laminectomy – 11/9/12 – It is 3 days post op and Donna picked me up today and brought me to a meeting. My back is very sore and it is hard for me to sit. Nevertheless I am happy to be out and about. Later in the day I decide to do some walking. My knee is beginning to regress probably because I am off painkillers. I was so constipated that I stopped them all. Since I am not on any anti-inflammatories, my knee is a disaster and not supporting me. I am outside walking and I fall right on my back. Although I do not seem to have done any real damage, I am stunned and shaking. I go back into the house and call Stacey, who reassures me that if I had broken anything I would not have been able to get up, which I did right away. I feel a lot better.

11/10/12 – It is Saturday and Ruth comes over and drives me to a Midday meeting. I am in a good state of mind today and we spend some time in Starbucks. I feel hopeful again.

11/11/12- Sunday – I feel lost and out of sorts. I am very lonely and bored. I have resolved to do lots of writing but my brain is not working at all. I seem incapable of getting started doing anything so I lump around the house.

11/12/12- Monday Joyce drives me to a follow up mammogram appointment and luckily everything is OK. Donna comes over and drives me to a meeting in the evening in Evans. Everyone seems surprised to see me and it is the highlight of my day. I am just happy to see people and to get out of the house, which has become my prison of sorts.

Surgery Log 2012 – Hopeful

Hopeful – 11/7/12 – Got out of the hospital. Joyce picked me up and spent the day and night with me. She is a new friend but I am glad I met her and her husband, Bill. I met them at the NAMI meeting, so at least some good came out of Joseph’s psychotic break. I am feeling really good mentally, not physically, but hopeful. Hope is everything after all.

11/8/12 – Joyce left and then my friend and client, Julia, came to stay all day long. That was wonderful. Still feeling hopeful.

The State of Mental Health Care

When I go upstairs, and I open up the closet, I see pieces of my son’s life in his clothes, his shoes, his slippers. I venture into the small bathroom, and open the drawers, I see remnants of a dream and hope—-his shaving supplies, his toothbrush, soap. All these were left hastily when he ran from my home back in December 2011. When I go back into his room, I see pictures of happier times—-a framed picture of him with his son, Aaron, a bible. I still see snippets of a life that could have been but is now in shambles, thanks to mental illness. It is so easy to play the wishing, and “if only” game. “If only” this had happened or that had not happened, then all would be right with the world again. But, I quickly realize that I cannot turn the clock back to a particular time and preserve what sanity there was. I live in a treadmill world, where I am walking and walking, getting nowhere fast. It is a roller coaster where one minute things look promising and people are congratulating me (to which I say that I am cautiously optimistic) and next I have been catapulted back to the starting gate. It is hard to accept that this seems to be his life, and is now my life. I must separate myself from this nightmare and not think about this 24 hours a day. I read an article on line yesterday how the mental health system has improved in NJ. I beg to differ. It is a shame that a “civilized” country like the US can have such a deplorable mental health care system. Their idea of helping is to keep a patient for about a week or two, adjust their medications, and then dump (yes that is what it is) them out into the streets. They say they don’t want to release someone without a place to go but a homeless shelter does not, at least in my eyes, qualify as a suitable place. It seems that you cannot get your loved one into a group home without greasing someone’s palm. So, here I wait yet again, for some word from my son who was released (dumped) out with others two days ago. I have no idea where the hell he is. I called the two friends he has left, his father (who did hear from him, thankfully), but no contact via text or phone. I have repeatedly texted him to no avail. He has pulled this on me before and no matter how much I ask him to please not go missing on me and to please keep in touch, he still doesn’t seem to understand the torture he puts me through when he disappears. At this point, the most I can do is wait and pray and go about my business. I do believe in the power of prayers and hopefully they will pull him through. I must have a positive attitude and hope but sometimes I am hopeless. Hope is everything and when that is lost, everything is lost.