Surgery Log – Christmas Eve

12/24/12 – Monday – Christmas Eve – I woke up with the usual stiff and sore body. I decided I would go to the gym and to a meeting. I also did not feel like doing my usual chores in the house today so I went to Starbucks and just sat down with a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I came home and redesigned some of the earrings that Lisa gave me for my “birthday.” Janet’s family usually celebrates Christmas on the 25th but this year things were very different. Due to all her children having plans on Christmas day, they all decided to come over on Christmas Eve. That was fine but it left Christmas day empty, but this was not my call so I had to accept it. In the meantime, my legs for some reason were especially wobbly and my balance was way off. This was very upsetting and I almost fell while everybody was there. That just made me sick. I totally do not understand why some days my legs don’t feel that bad and even feel strong, and other days, I am so weak. When I came home I watched the tail end of It’s A Wonderful Life.

12/25/12 – Tuesday – Christmas Day – My walking was not too bad but a little wobbly again. I even walked outside with my cane for about 20 minutes or so. Then I got ready and went to a meeting. I was ranting a little before the meeting due to my wobbly legs but for some reason, after the meeting I felt a lot better. I wanted to go to Starbucks with my laptop but when I found one open, it was so packed to the gills that I just left, without even getting anything; very disappointing. I came home and put my leg brace on which helps me walk better—sort of (in a peg leg kind of way). Then more cleaning, something I seem to be obsessed with since I got crippled. Janet thinks this is because I at least have some control of this part of my life, and that seems like a good explanation. I am starting to feel depressed and hopeless even as I write this at 7:00 pm, so I will try to go to bed early tonight. I still think about ending everything each day but if I put it off long enough, I usually find something I can hang on to; some hope to keep me going for yet another day.

Surgery Log 2012 – Pressure, Numbness

Pressure, Numbness – 12/19/12 – This morning I woke up feeling less stiff and off-balance, but with the same intense pressure on my belly. I am beginning to think that maybe I should just accept that this might be a permanent condition. Basically there is no answer as to when or if the numbness, burning and weakness will improve, so it is just a waiting game. I find that when I just ignore it—or about as much as I can—I feel better and can stop focusing on everything bad. Actually there are some improvements, most notably, I can bend over and turn sideways because the actual incision and the back itself are much better. But, internally—the nerve root—is the last thing to heal and it can take up to a year or more. My guess is that the EMG will basically show nothing. The PT made a very important point; if it were peripheral neuropathy, it would most probably be bilateral, but my weak leg is unilateral. I think the test will just prove that the whole problem is still the spinal nerve and it just has to heal on its own. I remember when I had a root canal about a year ago and for a long time I kept complaining that I still had pain, to the point where the dentist went back in to check. He said nothing appeared to be wrong with the tooth and sent me on my way. Boy, I was so aggravated that I thought for sure that he screwed up the procedure. So, since there was apparently nothing else that could be done and they could not find a reason why my tooth still hurt, I had to just live with it. Well, a few months ago when I was brushing my teeth, I suddenly realized that my tooth did not hurt anymore; the pain was gone. It had steadily been getting better, over time and so slowly that I didn’t even notice it. Then one day, it became apparent that it felt normal. I’m starting to think that this is what will happen with this; over time the symptoms will diminish to the point that it will be gone. The question is, can I wait until that happens. I am thinking of filing for disability because my doctor’s nurse seems to think that I will be able to return to work soon. I just don’t think that is reasonable with such a physical job as I have. I will literally fall out in the massage room because of this weak leg. This is not to mention that I can only stand for so long without the fatigue and burning setting in on my legs. She is being a bit of a hard ass about filling out the required forms. I’m still searching for a “reason” for this happening and I just don’t know for sure. As of now I am thinking of calling my primary care physician to put me on some antidepressants, just to get me over the hump. I went to a meeting today and I foolishly thought that I could walk without my cane so I held it up when I came into the room. That was not a good idea because I almost fell into my chair, totally losing my balance. Then for the first half of the meeting, I was on the pity-pot. By the end I felt a little better. It is true that for some reason, I am “walking” better today, but not well enough to do it without a cane for protection against losing my balance. But on a bad note, the burning sensation in both thighs is intense again and I dont not know why. The problem is that these brief periods of progress always seem to be followed with a regression the next day. Each day is a new beginning, as if the progress from the following day never even happened and is so discouraging. As of right now, at 4 pm, the burning in my thighs is very intense and uncomfortable. But if it comes down to being able to walk better and having burning nerve pain, I’ll take the walking better part.

Surgery Log 2012 – Disability

Disability – 12/9/12 – Sunday – Basically I am feeling the same as yesterday, physically. I actually thought that my toes on my right numb foot curled better, but maybe that was my imagination or wishful thinking. It gave me a little hope. You know if I just had even small improvements each week that would give me something to hold onto. But as I usually do, I do too much I guess. I cleaned my bathroom (which took forever because I have to move so slowly), did my exercise, went to the gym with more exercises, and went to Walmart. By then my right leg was feeling so exhausted that I could barely walk. This is what always happens; I feel a little better so I overdo it and pay the consequences later in the day. This is what caused me to have my meltdown the other day—having to do chores by myself and paying for it. I started to get on the pity-pot again because I am really scared that I will have to go on permanent disability and believe it or not, I don’t want to. I just don’t think that I can continue to feel so physically sore and unbalanced each day and go on with this. I can now empathize with Aunt Gladys who had severe pain each and every day, but lived with it. She had numerous unsuccessful spinal surgeries, yet she always maintained hope that helped her go on. She was such a trooper and I always admired her, but now even more for her courage. A number of months ago I was in a funk regarding my job because I was burnt out. I kept saying out loud that I didn’t want to keep doing this job. I kept trying to think of a way that I could go on disability—maybe mental, maybe back, who knows! But the mental disability would stigmatize me and my physical problems were not that bad. But, be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. Remember when I wanted to leave my job in Manhattan and somehow, in a horrible twist of fate, I got laid off a year after the 9/11 attacks. Now, in another ironic twist, I am facing disability. I kept saying, “OK God, this is not how I wanted it to be.” But then I thought that I never really specified how I wanted this achieved so, God has in some ways given me a way out, but not how I wanted it. Disability (if you’re not faking it) means just that YOU ARE DISABLED and unable to work. It does not mean that you get paid for staying home and then can go gallivanting around town, feeling great. No, I am paying for this and I wish to God I never had this. I thought I’d be one of those 60 year olds in great physical shape, exercising and running forever. I never, in a million years fathomed that this would be my life. I am trying to maintain hope that this will get better, but I am finding it hard to accept that maybe it won’t. There is not one day when hope lasts. It ebbs and flows and I never know when a feeling of hopelessness will overtake me or when I can see some light at the end of all this. It is a roller coaster world each day. I must continue to pray for some type of miracle.

Surgery Log 2012 – Hope and Prayer

Hope and Prayer – 12/8/12 – Saturday – A strange day. As usual, I wake up feeling sore and stiff and barely able to walk. I try to put it out of my mind but it is hard. I do my PT exercises and walk outside. Then I go to a meeting, which makes me feel better. Ruth and I go out for coffee (although it is way too expensive) but I do it anyway. That was enjoyable. But, I can never predict how I will feel at any time of the day. Even if I am in a decent and accepting state of mind earlier, that can deteriorate in a matter of minutes if I let my mind go there. Cindy, the renter, went to a Christmas party and looked very nice before she left. I took a picture of her and she said if I were feeling better she’d ask me to go too. I just thought of the picture of me in a skirt with heels on. I would not even be able to walk and even if I could, my legs are so thin they look sick. Then I started to look up nerve regeneration and got more and more discouraged to the point that I am feeling upset again. I am falling into that trap I fall into each day at one time or another and that is hopelessness. All I need is hope and I have it each day usually, but it never lasts. I will get the birds ready for bed and go too. The only problem is that in the middle of the night I usually feel really sore (especially my right knee) so that doesn’t even give me relief. I’ll try more prayer.

Surgery Log 2012 – No Improvement

No Improvement – 12/5/12 – Wednesday – I woke up in pain because I am laying off the ibuprofen due to my impending facial surgery on the 11th. I really don’t realize how much the ibuprofen helps me. I took the stupid steroid pills which so far have yielded as much of a result as the surgery itself. I do my exercises at home, trying to remember all of them from PT yesterday. I had a little hope yesterday because the therapist gave me some, but left to my own devices, that hope rapidly dissipates. The other night I went to a meeting and saw Frank who had spinal surgery the day before I did. He is doing great and improving rapidly. That stuck in my mind and I know that I should be happy for him yet I cannot help but feel jealous and angry. Then today I went to a meeting in the afternoon only to see yet another person who had surgery last week and is improving. Yet, here I am, 4 weeks out and I have literally no improvement, and I am in fact worse, in some respects. I cannot walk properly and my right leg is weak. I drag my foot and am scared while in the car because my reaction time is not good. It all came to a head this afternoon and I blew a gasket. It started because I was doing my cleaning, which takes me forever. Then I started to get resentful because I thought of Frank who only has to concentrate on getting better and has a wife to clean and cook. I, on the other hand, have to do all this by myself. I cannot just let my house go to pot; it needed cleaning but it wiped me out completely. Then I got angry and resentful that I have to do this alone, and it snowballed from there into a full-blown meltdown, complete with crying and ranting and raving. I called Gail to see if she could speak to Maudy (a spiritualist) and call me with some guidance. I could not stop crying while on the phone, and must have sounded pathetic. This is just too much for me to take on some days, and the trigger was seeing others improving while I am left in the dust with no discernable idea of when or if I will get any better at all. It is also so frustrating that I cannot talk directly to the doctor.

Surgery Log 2012 – Regressing

Regressing – 11/18/12 – Sunday – I think I am programmed to be depressed on Sunday because that ray of sunshine I had the day before did not last too long. It just seems that I am regressing, rather than progressing. I woke up with very bad knee pain. Definitely on the Pity Pot today. My knee is unusually stiff and sore. I went with Joyce to the Church today and felt OK afterwards, except that my knee is still stiff and sore and I had to use the damn cane. I worked myself into a real STATE this evening. I decided that I would exercise the garage option if I don’t get better or at least have some hope of getting better in the somewhat immediate future. I cried hysterically and then called the Jet. I spoke with her and John, two people who I can really let it all out with, and they both get upset when I tell them I don’t want to live anymore. I was so upset that Sunshine would not stop SCREAMING—something she seems to do more often when I am upset—and I slammed the bird food plastic bin down on the counter and it broke. Then I went over to her and literally waved my grabber stick at her. I am truly out of control. God forbid I actually hurt her; I would never forgive myself. I am just so depressed and frustrated I can hardly bare it. Please God; give me HOPE for a recovery. My back is getting better—at least the incision is—but my right leg and knee are regressing.

11/19/12 – Monday – I wake up feeling hopeful because my knee seems stronger and I have an appointment to get the staples out of my back. I have intentions of speaking to the surgeon but of course I see the nurse and then the PA. I am annoyed but she is nice and takes lots of time to address my concerns about my knee. She explains that because of the back surgery, my knee’s progress has been put on hold and the muscle leading into the knee (the Quads) is becoming weak so my knee is weak too. It makes sense so I will accept that explanation. I make an appointment for PT with Kevin and a follow up surgical appointment to speak to the actual surgeon—amazing. She says I am doing well and my stupid knee will get better in TIME; no telling when that will be. The numbness will resolve in TIME; no telling when that will be. I will be back to work in TIME; it will be addressed after seeing the doctor in a few weeks. In the meantime, I will do my PT, my limited exercises (some treadmill and maybe recumbent bike) but not much more. I am feeling hopeful again. It is amazing how your outlook on life can change from one day to another. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow so I might as well enjoy a day of hope. I am now able to drive although it takes a lot out of me and I am still very tired. I am going to a meeting tonight alone.