February 3, 2013
I had a problem with my driving yesterday when I accidentally pressed the accelerator rather than the gas because my stupid foot does that. I always think that only super old folks do that, but this scared me so much I couldn’t believe it. Luckily I swerved and put the brakes on in time. I went outside today to drive over and over in a lot practicing stopping, going, braking, etc. I just have to be ever vigilant about where my foot is. I had a total meltdown today about my lack of balance and lack of money coming into this house. Tuesday I have the appointment with the new doctor, recommended by Michael, but I have no real expectations. I have some hope, but hope is different from expectations. If I could just get somewhat better to the point that I could function relatively normally, I would be so grateful. I keep thinking about how much more of this I can take and I just do not know. I pray every day that there is a good resolution to this. In the meantime I am trying to do some work, but my balance is sometimes so off that I can’t stand properly. I am filled with extreme fear that this is going to be my life and I just cannot continue on like this. I also contacted another doctor on line for an appointment. I read his bio and he seems like someone who may be able to help me. The thing is, when do you decide to throw in the towel? When do you decide that you will not try to get better anymore? I go to the pool and sometimes the burning in my legs is even worse. I never know what will bring me some relief or what will cause me to feel worse. Sometimes something works once and then the next day it doesn’t. I am living in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I have limited monetary resources at this point and I am freaking out, with no work, no disability, no nothing.