Letting go of old letters or in my case, old journals is not always easy. I’ve been trying to decide what direction I want to take with my Blog. I met with someone from my writer’s group last week and I mentioned that I make no money on my Blog, probably because it is about what I WANT to write and not what everyone wants to read. He said (and I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset me) that if I were going to just write for myself, I might as well just write in a diary (or journal). While I was out running/walking the other day a light bulb went off in my head—write what you know. OK, I know a lot, and I DO write about it, but I’m not “successful” in the way I want to be. Then I thought, “OK, why not take those gut-wrenching, insane, journals you used to keep (just to keep me sane) when I was out there”. That sounded like the answer—yes, people could relate to that and this will keep their interest. All my recent writing and journaling is done on my computer, but years ago, everything was hand-written in notebooks. So, I pulled them out from the top of my closet and started reading. Wow, what a revelation—some of it is so crazy and ridiculous that I literally want to just chuck it. I found myself saying, “Oh, pleeeeeese!” There is something to be said for looking back fondly at old times, but my old times were horrible and I do not even recognize the person I was then. They say “youth is wasted on the young” and I believe it. What a waste my life was and thank God I matured. It is almost as if these heart-felt words penned by me (when I was 18 through about 30) were from a different person, and they were in a way. There is no resemblance from that pathetic, lost soul that I was then to the woman that I have become. Yes, lots of those feelings are still the same, but the way I handle life has changed. It is called maturity and wisdom; and I’d like to believe that I have acquired some amount of both throughout the years. In some ways it is helpful to re-read these journals because it shows the transformation that has taken place, and it keeps my “memory green” as they say. I had to ask myself if I really wanted to revisit those years and the answer is a resounding NO. The question is if I want to throw the books away or keep them for my grandchildren to discover. I’m leaning toward the former. I could not have even considered that a few years ago and that is evidence of personal growth. I have had lots of hard times in recent years from extreme physical debilitation to unbelievable heartache with my child, but I could never imagine myself using the same coping mechanisms that I employed back then. Life is life and I still “journal” for my own sanity, but I have changed and I now know I am ready to let the past go.
Acceptance and turning it over is never an easy thing to do, especially when it means losing “control” of a person, or situation you thought you had control over. In reality, the only thing I have control over is what I do. It is much harder to accept this when it involves a person you love dearly. But, I have to remind myself over and over that their logic and reality is not necessarily mine, and is often incomprehensible to me. I have been dealing with a situation that destroys my serenity, and no matter how much money, time and effort I pour into “fixing” this person, they never get fixed. This is beyond my control, and although I’ve said those words to myself, my heart still thinks I can solve this. If insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, than I am officially insane. Today I resolved to be strong, and not give in, no matter how intimidated, guilt ridden, sorrowful, and fearful I feel. What I will do is pray as never before and keep trying to let go and let God. I do not have control of outcomes and I cannot try to play God; all I can do is put out in the Universe, in positive ways, to please provide a light to lead this person to get the help they need.