The Land of Nowhere

I am living in the land of Nowhere and it is very frightening. Many years ago, when my two boys were very young, I took them on a car trip to Great Adventure, in NJ. Now anyone who knows me well understands that driving anyplace new is highly traumatic since I have literally no sense of direction. This of course was in the days before GPS technology and cell phones, so I had to rely on actual written instructions and directional skills from my sons too. Miraculously we arrived at Great Adventure uneventfully and met up with my then sister-in-law and her kids. Throughout the entire day, I was extremely anxious about the drive home, worrying that I would get lost (a huge phobia I have). By the time we said our good-byes, it was dark, making it even harder to navigate. Sure enough we found ourselves in a lonely, dark wooded area, with no visible signs, going around and around in circles. My poor children had to endure the increasing panic that engulfed me each time we found ourselves back to the beginning. After many desperate attempts to extract myself from that never-ending merry-go-round, I blurted out that we were officially in “Nowheresville.” At the time, the kids actually thought that was very funny, and it makes me laugh now, but at the time, I was terror-stricken. Now so many years later, I still sometimes get the feeling that I am in “Nowheresville”, sometimes known as “Loserville” or “Lonelyville”, depending on my specific state of mind on that particular day. When I was officially employed and doing “important” work, I didn’t have time to feel like I lived in “Nowheresville.” But now that I am on my own it is an effort to find a reason to “keep on keeping on” sometimes, especially in the morning. I constantly fill my life with all sorts of creative endeavors such as writing, photography classes, blog sites, social media, which creates a sense of peacefulness and purpose for a while, but it never lasts. Years ago I wrote in my journal that the amount of times I felt “good” and “peaceful” was so little that I actually could count them on my fingers, and I think that still holds true to this day. I live in the land of Nowhere, fleeing from the feeling that I am becoming more and more invisible as I get older, that I am alone, that I am becoming less valuable than I used to be, less relevant. Being creative and busy are good things when done for the right reasons. But, in reality, I am still seeking the praise, recognition, and love I never received as a child by filling my life with everything, when I am really running away from my demons. It’s human nature to not remember where we came from and to “forget” what life was like. When my life was a living hell with my medical issues and my son’s homelessness, I prayed and prayed to God to help me, and when my prayers were answered in the form of knowledge (about my spinal tumor) and surgery, I was literally glowing with happiness and filled with gratitude. But, almost two years later, I am feeling LOST again and I don’t know why. Life is a journey, and I know that my wild ride was not in vain because, although painful, I grew as a person. Human beings need to grow to thrive and I am doing just that, but sometimes maybe I need to just stand still and enjoy what I have NOW, rather than looking for the next thing, and the next thing. Maybe I need to just stand still and feel God’s grace.

Loser

The only loser is someone who never even tries–that is my belief. I’ve been taking the steps to submit some photos to a stock agency. I say “steps” because I signed up for a course where they walk you through the process, step by step. So, rather than just submit photos I think are great, I am doing research to see what types of photos are accepted. I started to get negative earlier in the day because I see that there is a “test” involved in one agency. My automatic response (from years of negative conditioning) was, “Oh, I won’t pass the test and I won’t be able to even get out of the starting gate.” Then I said to myself, “Well, why even try at all. I’ll fail just like I always do.” Then that progressed to, “You’re just a loser.” My question is why do some people give up before they even try? I think it comes down to belief in yourself and that quality is the reason some people become an “overnight success” in the entertainment field after years and years of toiling away and just never giving up. That is the key to success in anything: perseverance, no matter how many rejections you receive. You have to take those rejections and turn them into positives by learning from them. So many people avoid rejection by just sticking with the tried and true–never taking chances. This way they never “fail”, but it has the exact opposite result; they never succeed. Yes, the only “loser” is someone who never tries, but also someone who stops believing in their abilities after a few rejections. You hear stories of well known authors who received so many rejections that probably anyone else would have just thrown in the towel and quit. But they refused to give up. So, to me, the only loser is a quitter.