Tag Archives: MRI

Testimony

This is my Testimony that I wrote a number of months ago. It has actually been 3 years and 4 months since my surgery but I wanted to post this because I had not done so before:

Recently, I started thinking that almost 2 years ago I had a life changing surgery. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was actually almost 3 years. I couldn’t believe that time had just slipped by so quickly. So, on March 1st 2016 it will be 3 years since I was released from a living hell of a crippling illness. Everyone knows HOPE is everything, but sometimes no matter how you look at it, HOPE seems to be nowhere. After having lower back surgery, I inexplicably began to have trouble walking. I had a severely dropped foot, constant nerve pain, and a partially paralyzed leg. HOPE began to slip away after exhausting all tests and follow up MRIs, even 2nd opinions, only to be told, “We just don’t understand what is wrong with you. We have never seen something like this before.” Each morning I would awake with hope that a miracle happened and somehow I was getting better. But as soon as the realization came that nothing had changed and I was even worse, an incredible despair and hopelessness would engulf me. There were so many days that I wanted to just give up but I kept saying, “Maybe things will be better tomorrow. If you are thinking of offing yourself, put it off until tomorrow and see.” By employing that tactic, I managed to stay in this world to see a miracle happen. I have no doubt that this miracle was from my persistence and constantly not taking NO for an answer, a doctor who actually sat down to think about my symptoms, and God. I don’t think I would have gotten better if all of these factors were not aligned. By God’s grace one of my doctors ordered another MRI and found the culprit, a benign spinal tumor compressing a portion of my thoracic spine. Faith is a beautiful thing and when life is going well, it is easy to have it. The true test of faith is when life is life—when you feel that all hope is gone and you cannot see your way out. So many people are waiting for a white light and burning bush to prove the existence of God, when He is there all along. I believe my horrendous experience was necessary to bring me to my knees and start believing. I do not think this was an accident and that there are no coincidences in God’s world. God was working in my life for a long time before I noticed it, even meeting Joyce and Bill, who introduced me to their church. If my son had not had the breakdown, I never would’ve met them. I think God was patiently waiting for me, only I needed the experiences I endured to discover Him. I still pray and pray for my boy, and sometimes, when I am in a bad space, I wonder if God is really listening. Then I remember I must have faith, which equals hope, which equals life. I do not know what the future holds, and I must remember that I am not in charge. It is when I turn things over to Him that I achieve that elusive gift of peace and serenity that I am constantly seeking.

Faith

Recently, I started thinking that almost 2 years ago I had a life changing surgery. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was actually almost 3 years. I couldn’t believe that time had just slipped by so quickly. So, on March 1st 2016 it will be 3 years since I was released from a living hell of a crippling illness. Everyone knows HOPE is everything, but sometimes no matter how you look at it, HOPE seems to be nowhere. After having lower back surgery, I inexplicably began to have trouble walking. I had a severely dropped foot, constant nerve pain, and a partially paralyzed leg. HOPE began to slip away after exhausting all tests and follow up MRIs, even 2nd opinions, only to be told, “We just don’t understand what is wrong with you. We have never seen something like this before.” Each morning I would awake with hope that a miracle happened and somehow I was getting better. But as soon as the realization came that nothing had changed and I was even worse, an incredible despair and hopelessness would engulf me. There were so many days that I wanted to just give up but I kept saying, “Maybe things will be better tomorrow. If you are thinking of offing yourself, put it off until tomorrow and see.” By employing that tactic, I managed to stay in this world to see a miracle happen. I have no doubt that this miracle was from my persistence and constantly not taking NO for an answer, a doctor who actually sat down to think about my symptoms, and God. I don’t think I would have gotten better if all of these factors were not aligned. By God’s grace my doctor ordered another MRI and found the culprit, a benign spinal tumor compressing a portion of my thoracic spine. Faith is a beautiful thing and when life is going well, it is easy to have it. The true test of faith is when life is life—when you feel that all hope is gone and you cannot see your way out. So many people are waiting for a white light and burning bush to prove the existence of God, when He is there all along. I believe my horrendous experience was necessary to bring me to my knees and start believing. I do not think this was an accident and that there are no coincidences in God’s world. God was working in my life for a long time before I noticed it, even meeting Joyce and Bill, who introduced me to their church. If my son had not had the breakdown, I never would’ve met them. I think God was patiently waiting for me, only I needed the experiences I endured to discover Him. I still pray and pray for my boy, and sometimes, when I am in a bad space, I wonder if God is really listening. Then I remember I must have faith, which equals hope, which equals life. I do not know what the future holds, and I must remember that I am not in charge. It is when I turn things over to Him that I achieve that elusive gift of peace and serenity that I am constantly seeking.

Surgery Log 2013 – Meningioma

February 17, 2013

Well, lo and behold, the MRI ordered by the D.O. in the practice revealed a thoracic meningioma at T3. My question is why the hell the surgeon did not explore that possibility too. I read an article on the Internet “Paraplegia due to missed thoracic meningioma after laminotomy for lumbar spinal stenosis.” It says, “Surgeons should know that a silent meningioma can aggrevate neurological symptoms after lower lumbar spine surgery and should inform the patient.” OK, apparently my neurosurgeon did not know that. All this time, her PA and nurse kept saying that they have never seen anything like this before. Well, you are a nurse, not a surgeon so don’t say that to me. Her PA kept smiling at me and saying there was nothing more they could do. When I asked if there was additional testing they should be doing she said, NO. What the blank (not the real word) are they thinking? Secondly, all this time I was not getting better should have alerted them that maybe they should do an MRI of the thoracic region. This to me is negligence based on not ordering the proper tests, not knowing that a silent meningioma can aggrevate symptoms after a lumbar laminectomy, and just dismissing me. If the D.O. had not been a good doctor, who knows how much longer I would be suffering. After a month of me getting worse, she should have ordered an MRI of the thoracic area not one of the area she already operated on. I have an appointment with her tomorrow, but I do not want to use her as the surgeon again. But, I absolutely need to have this taken care of ASAP because I am suffering and cannot continue to live with this pain, stiffness, lack of balance, and not being able to walk properly. It is a nightmare that I hope will end soon and there will be a good ending finally.

Surgery Log -New MRI and EMG

12/17/12 – Monday – I get the results of the MRI and they are negative—nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, everything looks great. The doctor reviewed the MRI with me and it really looks like everything is nice and opened up and not squished the way my spinal nerve was before. Then why the hell is my right leg numb and cold; then why am I still having all these terrible symptoms? I have no idea, and worse yet, neither does the surgeon. In the meantime, she ordered an EMG as a diagnostic tool to see if the signals are getting to my muscle. Actually there is really nothing that can be done if that is the case. In the meantime, I filed a continuation of disability form until my next appointment, January 7th.

12/18/12 – Tuesday – I had my PT appointment with Kevin and he said that actually he hopes the EMG shows nothing because then this will prove that all these symptoms are a result of a badly damaged nerve root, which hopefully will eventually heal. Healing takes forever with nerves, so I’ve been told and I have to be “patient”—that famous word again. If it is a true peripheral neuropathy, there is no cure, but it is good to know and not just guess. Again, I sure hope my damn insurance company covers this. After my PT I go to see my knee guy (not the surgeon) who gives me another shot of cortisone in hopes of reducing pain and inflammation. He also gives me a new knee brace to try to stabilize my knee. I then go to Walmart (my home away from home) to pick up a ball to use for my PT. I also stopped into Serenity to return the books that I purged and that started me on a path to depression. When I go in there I see people working and busy and it just makes me feel useless. I get scared that I will forget how to do massage. Now I am home and feeling lost and sad so I will do what I always do when feeling this way; get ready for bed. At least in bed I enter a land where I am not “crippled”. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was running over to get something as easily as I used to do. Then I woke up and the reality hit; that is not happening, at least not anytime soon. The other problem with sleeping is that I have to get up at night and in the morning which is torture because of my stiff and painful legs and knee, not to mention that I am wobbly and unsteady on my feet for a while. Anyway that is it for the day. Actually maybe, just maybe, I feel a little less numbness in my abdomen and back. But that is a BIG maybe so we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Remember I said that I can deal with the healing taking a long time, as long as I see some progress. So, I have to be on the alert for even the tiniest of advances. All those small progressions add up to total healing, even if it takes a year or more. I just need to keep my spirits up and not do things that cause me to feel sad; i.e., going over to Serenity too much.

Surgery Log 2012 – Numbness, Burning

12/14/12 – Friday – I wake up the same as usual, no change. I am still having the numbness, tingling and burning, which is so depressing. I am trying to maintain some sanity today so I put my back brace on and it feels a little better. It somehow alleviates the pressure on my belly when I wear that. In the meantime, I will have the MRI today.

12/15/12 – Saturday – I had the MRI with contrast yesterday and that was uneventful. I then went to Walmart and the numbness, burning, and tingling in my legs was almost unbearable. I learned from the Internet that this is actually a form of pain, but not in the traditional sense; it is NERVE pain. It is almost if not more unbearable than regular pain, as most people know it. I keep saying, “Well at least I’m not in pain. I just have the numbness.” But this is not the usual numbness that I originally had, it is a deep, searing, burning, numbness and is a type of pain. Yesterday I finally identified this as a “burning” sensation. It is horrible. In reading over my entries I see that I have had days where I was not feeling bad at all since the surgery. I don’t understand why I felt better in the beginning, right after the surgery, than I do now. Also, every so often I feel a lot better and my leg is stronger. I don’t understand why the numbness seems less and then the next day or even later on in the day, I am back to the same burning, tingling, numbness as usual. Maybe it is a good sign that it occasionally abates, but I am at a loss. Last night I was absolutely convinced that the doctor screwed up and injured my spinal nerve which is why I am not progressing much or even at all. But I am resolving today to just accept this day as it is because I have no control of anything at all at this point until Monday when the doctor can review my MRI. I spoke with Jane last night who said that the MRI with contrast will absolutely show everything that is going on. If there is a problem, it will show. I don’t want to have to go back into surgery but if there is something wrong and it is pressing on the nerve, I will do whatever it takes to get better. I’m going to try to be free from self-pity today. We’ll see how that goes. It is amazing how a small bit of improvement can cause such elation so maybe if I can look for something that has gotten better I will have a better day. I will keep praying.

Later in the day: I decided to not take the ibuprofen because it doesn’t seem to work on nerve pain. It works great on regular pain, but it definitely does not stop the numbness and tingling. All of a sudden, the symptoms seemed less. Maybe it has something to do with me going to Starbucks (I’m going broke) and just “relaxing” as much as I am capable, but I felt a lot better both physically and mentally. I then took a dose of the Gabapentin which is for nerve pain. I don’t know but maybe I feel a tad bit less terrible. I will take another one tonight before bed and who knows, maybe, just maybe, I will see some progress.

Surgery Log 2012 – Pain and numbness

12/13/12 – Thursday – I seem to feel OK this morning as far as side effects, but of course the pain and numbness it still present. I don’t know what I was expecting—-maybe a miraculous recovery, but I feel really sore this morning. I will take the other pills today and see what develops. Later in the morning my resolve breaks and I just feel like enough is enough regarding the intense pressure and numbness in the abdomen and back. I start out by saying that this is ridiculous, and it builds up to a full-blown meltdown, complete with ranting, raving, vows of suicide and calling the doctor’s office yet again. Of course they have to take a message because there is no way to actually get someone on the phone immediately. The nurse finally calls and says she spoke with the surgeon who said I need to get another MRI (hopefully the insurance company will pay for this) before my Monday follow-up visit to see if there is anything wrong. At least she is on the same page as I am because that is what I was going to suggest. No MRIs are done in their facility on Fridays so I have to get it done somewhere else. In the meantime, I have to get blood work done downtown at University Hospital, which makes me nervous to drive there. But, I finally make it after getting a little lost and I am proud of myself for keeping calm. The MRI is scheduled for tomorrow on N. Belair Road, which is easy to find, right in Evans. I’m not sure if I want it to show something drastically wrong (sponge left in, or bone out of place, or more narrowing) to explain why I have made basically no progress. If everything is as it should be then it is even more discouraging because there is no explanation as to why I still feel these horrible symptoms. On the other hand, if there is something drastically out of the norm, then it would at least give me hope that this can be corrected. There it is again, that word HOPE. If they keep telling me that I just have to be patient, then I will lose all hope. I need HOPE at this point to continue on. I simply cannot or will not continue to live my life as half a person. An old friend once told me that his wife had back surgery years ago and she just would not get better. They did an MRI and discovered to their horror that a sponge had been left in. She then collected a huge sum of money in a settlement. That has stuck with me and who knows? I am not looking to collect money (although that would not be so bad)—-I am just looking to feel better. Nobody knows how terrible it is to wake up every morning and have pressure and numbness in your belly, back, and legs with no end in sight. Nobody knows how devastating and frustrating it is when there are no answers in sight and your whole world is rapidly going down the toilet. I pray to God for help but God helps in his time, not mine. Please Lord please get on the same page as me. Thanks.