Tag: numbness

Surgery Log -New MRI and EMG

12/17/12 – Monday – I get the results of the MRI and they are negative—nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, everything looks great. The doctor reviewed the MRI with me and it really looks like everything is nice and opened up and not squished the way my spinal nerve was before. Then why the hell is my right leg numb and cold; then why am I still having all these terrible symptoms? I have no idea, and worse yet, neither does the surgeon. In the meantime, she ordered an EMG as a diagnostic tool to see if the signals are getting to my muscle. Actually there is really nothing that can be done if that is the case. In the meantime, I filed a continuation of disability form until my next appointment, January 7th.

12/18/12 – Tuesday – I had my PT appointment with Kevin and he said that actually he hopes the EMG shows nothing because then this will prove that all these symptoms are a result of a badly damaged nerve root, which hopefully will eventually heal. Healing takes forever with nerves, so I’ve been told and I have to be “patient”—that famous word again. If it is a true peripheral neuropathy, there is no cure, but it is good to know and not just guess. Again, I sure hope my damn insurance company covers this. After my PT I go to see my knee guy (not the surgeon) who gives me another shot of cortisone in hopes of reducing pain and inflammation. He also gives me a new knee brace to try to stabilize my knee. I then go to Walmart (my home away from home) to pick up a ball to use for my PT. I also stopped into Serenity to return the books that I purged and that started me on a path to depression. When I go in there I see people working and busy and it just makes me feel useless. I get scared that I will forget how to do massage. Now I am home and feeling lost and sad so I will do what I always do when feeling this way; get ready for bed. At least in bed I enter a land where I am not “crippled”. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was running over to get something as easily as I used to do. Then I woke up and the reality hit; that is not happening, at least not anytime soon. The other problem with sleeping is that I have to get up at night and in the morning which is torture because of my stiff and painful legs and knee, not to mention that I am wobbly and unsteady on my feet for a while. Anyway that is it for the day. Actually maybe, just maybe, I feel a little less numbness in my abdomen and back. But that is a BIG maybe so we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Remember I said that I can deal with the healing taking a long time, as long as I see some progress. So, I have to be on the alert for even the tiniest of advances. All those small progressions add up to total healing, even if it takes a year or more. I just need to keep my spirits up and not do things that cause me to feel sad; i.e., going over to Serenity too much.

Surgery Log 2012 – Better State of Mind

Better State of Mind – 12/12/12 – Wednesday – This is a date that, according to reports, will not come around again for about another 100 years. For some unexplained reason I wake up in a better state of mind. I’m not sure why because there is never any specific explanation, but it seems I am less numb. Again, this may be my imagination, but I will take it. Since I feel decent, I do my exercises and walking outside today, in the morning before taking a shower. I am very productive in the morning. But it seems that when I do a lot of exercises, I end up even more numb. I am trying to just ignore this so I get ready for a meeting. Afterwards I do some paper work for the spa at home, file bills, pay a huge bill in full, order a Christmas present on line for my son and family, etc. The bill was for almost $800 and was a smack in the face to open my mailbox and see that. But after speaking to the billing department I realized I had to bite the bullet and pay it. But even though I feel physically lousy as I usually do later in the day, I persevere and try to keep my spirits up. I was prescribed Gabapentin, a drug for nerve pain, a while ago, but never took it due to reading about bad side effects. But I then saw on the Internet that many people take it with good results. The nurse said I should try it so I did, before going to bed.

Adversity Teaches Empathy

It is amazing that so many people take for granted being well and feeling well. There is nothing more humbling than having a debilitating illness or injury to bring you back to earth. I have been one of those athletic people who would look at someone struggling in the gym or out just walking slowly, without trying to understand that each person has a story. I have been struggling for many months with debilitating back pain and severe degenerated right knee. My back and knee pain was so bad that I would have to hobble from bed into the bathroom each morning, walking like I was 85. The constant, unrelenting pain and soreness also affected my state of mind, causing depression. It is so hard to look at the bright side of things when you are hurting over and over and life looks so bleak. It was so humbling and embarrassing on my trip to Guatemala. On the plane I would start to get anxious when we were about to land knowing that my back and knee would be so stiff that it would take a while for me to unbend. Getting up and carrying my luggage out of the plane was torture. I always thought of myself as this physically fit specimen and now I felt like a cripple, limping down the aisle. Things that I used to take for granted, like climbing down the steps of the airplane (in Augusta for some reason you have to climb down these stupid steep steps to get off the plane) caused me so much anxiety—being so afraid that I would fall or need assistance. When you are physically well, things like that don’t even occur to you. Now things that were never issues were now major concerns. Once in Guatemala, I was in constant pain, living on Ibuprofen. It prevented me from going on walking tours and, coupled with me being lonely, I was miserable. When I went on a tour to Panajachel I had to constantly climb in and out of the boat that ferried us from village to village on Lake Atitlan and that was pure torture. Once if it had not been for two guys holding me, I would have collapsed, due to my knee totally buckling under me. Back in the States, it did not get any better and I have since had knee surgery (much more extensive than I thought it would be) and have also had epidural steroid injections to my back. I want to travel now, but I was unable to plan for anything due to the constant uncertainty of my physical condition. Whenever there is a life altering event, whether it be a loss of a job, illness, death, divorce, you always look for a reason. The thing is that I feel there are no coincidences in God’s world and it may not be revealed until years later or weeks, you do not know. I am slowly starting to feel better but being so debilitated gave me real empathy for others. When I see people hobbling slowly across the street I know that there is a story behind it. I have a friend who suffers from MS and is on disability. She is estranged from her family who is totally unsupportive, yet she still perseveres. Another woman I went to school with just finished battling stage 4 uterine cancer, having gone through hell with chemotherapy, major surgery, colostomy, and having to rely on others since she lives alone. Then I look at myself and realize that maybe it is not that bad. Of course, when you are feeling better it is easy to look back and say it was not so bad. I am still having problems with numbness in my body, but maybe this is God’s lesson for me; be grateful for each day that you feel well and don’t take it for granted. It has given me a better understanding of other’s problems and pain, physically and mentally. Nobody has a perfect life, although sometimes it seems that some people do on the outside. It has also given me more of an incentive to change my life because I can appreciate that there are no guarantees that you will be around tomorrow or even later in the day. We take for granted that we have an infinite amount of time to achieve that elusive happiness and that is not true. My friend Janet is now in France with her husband, one among many trips they take. They are living now, not putting off what may never happen if they waited. Being so ill has put a time frame to my plans. I know that I absolutely cannot continue to live a life doing what I don’t want to do. I ask myself sometimes, “when are you most happy.” The answer always comes back, “when I am not at work.” It is time for me to move on to the next phase of my life. I am so consumed with making money due to my upbringing (compulsive gambler dad) when money went flying out the window and life was insecure, that now it is my main focus. Yes, money does buy things I like, but continuing doing what I don’t want to do is killing me over and over. One day I will wake up and it will be my last day on earth and I will die never having taken the big risks and living a life of my dreams and how sad is that?