Forgetting

As time goes by I am forgetting to be grateful. I have been in a state of flux and depression lately because I am putting too much emphasis on getting accolades. I wrote Being Your Own Cheerleader, but I have been having a hard time following my own advice. I think every human being needs some sort of recognition for what they do, even for seemingly small things. It is amazing how one kind or positive remark from someone can do wonders to carry me for a few days. But it just seems that when I write and write, and have no comments, I begin to doubt myself and all those negative tapes start playing in my head, that I am not good enough, and what’s the point, etc. Then my friend Jane, who has been in and out of the hospital since November, with complications of MS, calls and the amount of gratitude I feel comes flooding back. That is when I remember that back in March 2013, I was literally given another chance at life. Immediately after that surgery I was actually happy, because I didn’t take for granted simple things such as walking across the room without a cane. Now, over thirteen months later, I sometimes forget how horrific my life was and how amazing my life is now. I could compare myself to other people who have more money, a relationship, more friends, and feel insecure and small. But, when I compare myself to my friend who struggles with simple tasks such as just walking, cleaning, loss of autonomy, having to depend on people to drive her to appointments, I am filled with gratitude. When I think along those lines, and don’t let myself drift back into negativity, my day and life goes better.

Surgery Log 2012 – Christmastime

12/20/12 – Thursday – It’s Christmastime again, not that it means really anything to me. I had felt so much better yesterday, it was amazing, both physically and mentally. Mostly because I felt stronger, but that seemed to dissipate as it usually does. Today I woke up with that unbearable pressure in my abdomen and back and tried to ignore it. Yesterday I spoke with Stacey by phone to ask her opinion about whether or not I should speak to a disability lawyer. She basically said that unless the MRI can document something wrong, I will probably be turned down. She went on to say that it is really up to the doctor and the notes whether or not I will receive disability. I do know that this condition that I have could still eventually be relieved, but who knows. In the interim, I feel horrible almost all the time except for an occasional reprieve of the symptoms somewhat. Nevertheless, she kept reminding me that this type of disability was not temporary, and I kept assuring her I understood. I wish I had not even spoken to her because she upset me so much that today I was in a major state of depression. The “what ifs” kept coming to mind about “what if” I don’t get better then how will I support myself, etc. The whole conversation upset me to the point that I decided I will only call her if I have a question about the birds, etc. It has taken me all day to at least feel halfway decent and I am still profoundly upset, but mostly because my right leg does not feel as strong and I just feel physically numb, with the burning all down my legs again. I think I did a lot of cleaning today and that is probably what did me in. I will go out tonight to see some people at a meeting so I won’t isolate and continue on my pity pot path.