March 18, 2013
It is amazing how twelve days can make such a world of difference. I am no longer getting home care because I am so much better and driving too. So many people take just plain walking for granted, and so did I, until I couldn’t. This whole hellish 6 months has actually given me a new understanding of people with disabilities. It has taught me to not take anything—even something as simple as walking—for granted anymore. I know that there is a finite period of time on this earth and I MUST live it to the fullest. I have to just conclude that this is a miracle of God that was bestowed on me and that there is a lesson to be learned. I have started back to the gym just to walk on the track (because there are handrails, just in case; I still get nervous when walking) and have also started doing some of the P.T. exercises I was doing with the therapist after my last surgery. I am very, very, determined to get back as much function as I can. At this rate, I think I will be good in a few months and will continue to improve more and more as time goes on. I finally have HOPE, something I have not had in 4 months. Every day when I can easily maneuver around without losing my balance, I am amazed, and who would’ve thought that something so seemingly simple could give me such joy? When I see people that knew me before this latest surgery, they say I am different, almost glowing. I feel that I have a shot at a life now, but I will not forget the months I spent as disabled, hobbling around with a cane, ready to fall over at the drop of a hat, not being able to lift my own leg into the car, being a menace on the road because my leg was sometimes unresponsive. I drove my car again last Wednesday and at first I was not used to the sensation of actually having power in my leg. But, after a few minutes, I got the hang of it and reveled in the feeling that I could stop perfectly whenever I wanted to. Before this surgery, I drove with my heart in my throat because sometimes my car would lurch forward when I didn’t expect it, almost hitting the car in front of me. I had so many close calls that I was thinking of not driving anymore, but I just vowed to be extra, extra, careful, putting my foot on the brake way before I had to and pressing hard. But, even then, it was such an effort to just lift my leg from the gas to the brake and back again because of extreme weakness. It is a blessing to just be able to drive normally again. It is almost as if I have awoken from a coma and now have to learn to walk normally again. My right leg was so atrophied from lack of proper use of the muscle but it is already starting to get some of the tone back. I am so grateful that words cannot even describe it. I find myself smiling more at people now and that in itself is miraculous.
February 12, 2013
I have stopped taking all the medications that the doctors prescribed because they make my legs even more wobbly than normal. There are some days when I suddenly find myself miraculously “walking” almost normally. It is shocking and I am filled with so much hope that maybe I am starting to turn the corner. But then, the next day, I am often back to the same old thing. Some days my balance is actually pretty good and then, suddenly the next day, I have Jello for legs. It is like a roller coaster and each day is a new experience. I just wish that when I make a small improvement, it would last so I would feel that I was getting better, even if it takes a year or more. If I could just see some definite progress, and if I have progress, it would be so wonderful if I did not regress again. Maybe these little snippets of progress, like getting decent balance, or actually almost walking normally, or my leg working well when I drive, mean that there is some kind of improvement. Maybe this means that the nerve is healing. I know I am supposed to do my PT exercises and I do them religiously. However, every so often I don’t do anything and I seem to feel less pain, with better walking. I just cannot find a common denominator that tells me what works and what does not. I do know that I have to keep my muscles exercised so they won’t atrophy—-although my right leg has already done that. I must also guard against falling into the pit of depression, which is so easy to do. I can feel OK early in the day and by the evening, the unrelenting pain just gets me down and I can feel myself drifting into that abyss of hopelessness.
February 9, 2013 – Saturday
Well, the new year is starting out like 2012. Already I have gotten a huge bill in the mail for the new round of epidural steroid injections, which may or may not work. Considering that I have almost no money coming into this household, it is very frightening. I did one massage yesterday and one today. I have been taking a new medication for the stiffness in my legs and it seems to work somewhat but as usual there is a side effect of weak, wobbly legs. I did the massage today with that kind of balance (or lack of balance) but I miraculously got through it. I kept watching the clock and hoping it was over because I am working in fear. It is amazing how many things I took for granted when I was a “normal” person. I went over to Starbucks for a treat and I wanted to sit in a nice comfortable cushioned seat but it would’ve entailed me maneuvering past multiple people with my cane, my drink, my purse, and my book—that was not happening. Then I wanted to go into Krogers to buy some mozzarella cheese but thought about how long and arduous a process that would have been requiring me to find a handicapped spot, park, drive through a crowded parking lot, get a shopping cart (even though I would normally not need one for just one item, but it helps me walk), etc. I then made the decision to just pass on going in, even though I really wanted that cheese for dinner. Who would’ve thought that I would get jealous of people just walking or driving without even putting any thought into this simple act? Everything is harder when you are disabled, and that is what I am at this point. I have to think twice before embarking on any activity, even simple things. I will continue to pray for God to help me find a solution or if not, to accept this because I cannot live in bitterness or anger; then the surgeon has won and I will have lost more than my ability to walk.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Last Monday I agreed to do a spa service and massage on Saturday. Saturday morning I woke up practically unable to walk at all. My right leg kept giving out on me and I was going to cancel the service, but as the morning wore on, I started to walk decently. I was very nervous about the service but it came off OK. I still feel like a freak when I “walk” because if I don’t use my cane, I have to limp extensively. But in the massage room, I could at least hold onto the credenza and wall, or lean a bit on the table. I took off my shoes and I walked much better with better balance. I think I did a good service and the client gave me a $25 tip; she also seemed to enjoy it. So, apparently, if I am not feeling too bad, I actually can do massages. I sent out some texts to clients who said they will call, etc. One client said she is so glad that I am back to work now—little does she know that I am really just as bad as I was a month ago because there is absolutely no improvement at all; I just learn to “live with it” for now and do the best I can. I went to a meeting and everyone has a pitying expression and say, “I’m so sorry” to me over and over. That makes me feel so terrible and I want to not go out in public any more. Each night I pray that I find a doctor to help me feel better and at least get a little improvement, but each morning I awake with the same exact symptoms and feel so let down. This morning my clock radio played “Evil Ways” by Santana and it brought back memories of me dancing to that when I was a teenager. I have to be careful to not keep reminiscing because it brings on depression, something I cannot afford. I am also dealing with lots of jealousy of people doing just mundane things and not thinking about it, such as running, walking normally, just living their life without having to constantly be monitoring their every move or their body. I think the people in the Midday Group are used to me being “crippled” and they don’t keep telling me how “sorry” they are and that makes me feel more accepted and less freakish. I am scared to death that this new doctor will give me the same old song and dance about how he cannot help me and I will simply fall to pieces at that point. God, please help me find the doctor to help me get better and get a life back.