Tag Archives: tenacity

Tormentor

It is Sunday, and I am at West Town Community Church acquiring some much needed serenity when as usual and predictably, I hear my muted phone vibrate. I hear that there has been a voice message, and without even looking at the phone a sense of weariness and hopelessness descends upon me, blotting out any peacefulness I might feel. I breathe a quiet sigh, since I am now in a meeting about a VBS trip to Jamaica, and silently check the phone number, hoping that somehow it is not my tormentor. But, it is and I barely hear the remainder of the meeting because I am totally distracted. I greet other church attendees smiling and answering, “I’m good today” when asked how I am, all the while knowing that if I actually said how I really feel, their eyes would glaze over and they would politely drift away to speak to someone more cheerful. I am invited to lunch downtown and decline because I am so sick, tired, and troubled that I just cannot focus. I remind myself that we are keeping him alive and at least he is not living in the street, sleeping in a box, and robbing houses to survive. I remind myself that he is much better off now than 3 years ago, but is he really? When does “assisting” equal “enabling?” We have created a “monster” regarding his incessant requests for money. If he put just one once of the tenacity he exhibits in calling over and over and over for money into getting the right treatment and medication, and just doing the right thing, he might actually stand a chance of having something more than a day to day existence. He has absolutely no self-knowledge or insight into the possibility that his line of thinking is totally skewed. I have come to the realization that he will never be OK and that no amount of money will ever be enough because we are just putting a Bandaid on a gaping wound. He will continue to slowing leak blood, even when we think that we have “solved” the problem. He plays “mind games” by asking for a small amount one day, and after you send it he suddenly says that he is about to be evicted, as if he didn’t know this the day before. After screaming myself horse in the car, I arrive at my second home to send him the money that I don’t have to spare in my account. Then he doesn’t call back. No matter what I say to him, he has selective hearing and gives me lip service, saying he understands that he cannot call every few days for money. Yet, two or three days go by and that infamous 609 area code comes up. When I don’t answer the phone, he mounts a concerted campaign, bombarding me with phone call after call, playing the “guilt” card. I cannot continue living like this—being held in emotional captivity by my tormentor. There are days that I want to just let him be evicted and live in the street again. I am tormented by my tormentor because I both love and hate him simultaneously. I love him intensely yet I HATE what he does to my peace and serenity and can’t help resent him. I live in either love, hate, or guilt, never in tranquility because I know that there will never be an end to this until one of us dies.

Gratitude

Every so often, I find myself getting impatient with someone ambling across the street with a cane. It’s so easy to forget that less than a year and a half ago, that was me. Sometimes when I quickly get up from a seat, and stride very briskly to the other side of the room for something, I find it amazing. Unlike most people who are not impaired, I am acutely aware of how well I simply “walk” and never take it for granted. I know that just plain “walking” without losing balance, fear of falling, or having to hang onto the walls is a gift. Sometimes I become aware that my feet, belly, legs, and back are no longer numb and tingling. I look at my right leg, which was withered as if I had polio, and see a nice, plump muscular leg again. I know that not having my crutch parked beside my bed for help in the middle of the night, is something I never thought I would experience again. Just like anything, it is human nature to not appreciate what you have until you lose it. Things that I thought I would never do again, such as running (a run/walk now) I am doing. I was a prisoner to my disability, never being able to just pick up and go, and I will be forever grateful for that miracle bestowed upon me. OK, if I had not persevered and kept insisting that something was wrong with me, and not just accepted a life of an invalid, I would not have had that “miracle.” So, it all went together and my tenacity was in itself, divine intervention, I believe. When I remember to practice gratitude and appreciation for how I was literally given my life back from the brink, I have a better day. When I focus on the same old petty, annoying, neurotic insecurities (which I will probably never totally lose) I am lost. I know that I have been given a daily reprieve and there are no guarantees in life, but for now, my life is infinitely better than it was, and I cannot forget that.