No Improvement – 12/5/12 – Wednesday – I woke up in pain because I am laying off the ibuprofen due to my impending facial surgery on the 11th. I really don’t realize how much the ibuprofen helps me. I took the stupid steroid pills which so far have yielded as much of a result as the surgery itself. I do my exercises at home, trying to remember all of them from PT yesterday. I had a little hope yesterday because the therapist gave me some, but left to my own devices, that hope rapidly dissipates. The other night I went to a meeting and saw Frank who had spinal surgery the day before I did. He is doing great and improving rapidly. That stuck in my mind and I know that I should be happy for him yet I cannot help but feel jealous and angry. Then today I went to a meeting in the afternoon only to see yet another person who had surgery last week and is improving. Yet, here I am, 4 weeks out and I have literally no improvement, and I am in fact worse, in some respects. I cannot walk properly and my right leg is weak. I drag my foot and am scared while in the car because my reaction time is not good. It all came to a head this afternoon and I blew a gasket. It started because I was doing my cleaning, which takes me forever. Then I started to get resentful because I thought of Frank who only has to concentrate on getting better and has a wife to clean and cook. I, on the other hand, have to do all this by myself. I cannot just let my house go to pot; it needed cleaning but it wiped me out completely. Then I got angry and resentful that I have to do this alone, and it snowballed from there into a full-blown meltdown, complete with crying and ranting and raving. I called Gail to see if she could speak to Maudy (a spiritualist) and call me with some guidance. I could not stop crying while on the phone, and must have sounded pathetic. This is just too much for me to take on some days, and the trigger was seeing others improving while I am left in the dust with no discernable idea of when or if I will get any better at all. It is also so frustrating that I cannot talk directly to the doctor.
Tag: weak leg
Surgery Log 2012 – Discouragement
Discouragement – 11/28/12 – Wednesday – 2nd entry – For some inexplicable reason, after doing the PT, going to a meeting, and walking in Target, my legs, abdomen, and back are unbelievably numb and tingly. I had to go back to the house suddenly because I felt so terrible I couldn’t really stand up too much longer. It is so upsetting and discouraging. I actually felt halfway decent today, but as of right now, my body from my waist down is totally numb. I’m back to thinking in a negative way again. I told myself to be positive but I’ve had it for the day. I think I will get the chores done early and retire to my bed to read. At least if I enter a world of fantasy, I don’t have to think about myself. At this point I really am wondering if this will ever get better. One day I seem to be making progress, and the next day I feel no better than I did before the damn surgery. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I even had the surgery in the first place. I actually feel worse than I did a few months ago. I am having trouble finding a reason to go on with this whole thing. I hope I feel differently tomorrow!
11/30/12 – Friday – I resolved to be in a more positive state of mind because I know it does affect the healing process, or so I’ve been told. But, as usual I awake with stiff and numb knees, quads, abdomen, back, etc. The only good thing is that the cortisone shot in my knee seems to actually have helped so my knee does not get “stuck” in one position when I sit causing me to limp until it straightens out. I must be at least grateful for something and I truly am. But, my right leg is just so damn weak that I am constantly off balance and must limp. At first I thought my limp was due to the uneven hips but actually it is because my damn leg will simply not support my body. I am very self-conscious when I have to use the cane, but I limp less and don’t feel scared of falling as much. The fear is still there though. I rant and rave today and finally decide that there should have been at least some sort of improvement so I call the doctor’s office and speak to the nurse (of course) who seems somewhat concerned. That surprises me because I am sure she will say, “Oh, it is too soon so don’t worry.” But she decided to put me on a steroid pack to help relieve inflammation. It is day 3 and there is really no improvement so far. Actually I thought I was walking much, much better on Saturday but by Sunday that progress seemed to have disappeared. Maybe it was just wishful thinking or maybe there was an initial improvement, but I don’t understand why sometimes things seem better and then I wake up back to square one. When I get up and I have trouble walking, with the same numbness, I get discouraged.
Surgery Log 2012 – Positive Mindset
Positive Mindset: 11/27/12 – Tuesday – Today I went to the orthopedic doctor I’ve seen numerous times for knee injections. He is the surgeon’s partner and actually I like him a lot. He ended up giving me a cortisone shot which will help with the stiffness and pain. I was in a better state of mind for the rest of the day. I went to a meeting and felt so much better.
11/28/12 – Wednesday – This is the first day of my physical therapy. I am in a good state of mind because I will hopefully get the OK to do some more exercises. He says I am more flexible than the average person, which is a good thing. But, of course, he cannot give me any time-frame for my nerve root to heal. Until that heals, all the therapy in the universe will not bring my dead leg back to total function. It is a slow process, as I’ve been told over and over. But, on a good note, he said in about 6 months or so he thinks I should be back to normal. Six months is a long time, but as long as I continue to see progress, it is OK with me. He said to walk slowly so the nerve pathways can learn again—if I walk too fast (which is really not even an option at this point) my nerve becomes “confused” so keep it slow! I went to Target to walk around with the shopping cart (buggy down here) but for some reason, my legs felt like someone had injected an anesthetic agent into them and I was walking on dead tingly legs; very discouraging. I decided to go home and work on the computer. It is an effort each day to stay in a positive state of mind but I am going to try. I cannot guarantee that I will be successful. I’m scared that I will never be able to return to the life I knew; I am scared that I will be permanently disabled. You can’t play the “what if” game. My biggest problem is between my ears. Life constantly changes but that is the nature of life. I don’t know what the future will hold so I have to just take “one day at a time”.
Surgery Log 2012 – New Reality
New Reality – Sunday – I decide to clean my bathroom, even though I am still unsteady. My knee feels slightly better because I am not doing so much bending and flexing during exercise. Even the backwards squats, holding onto something, irritates my knee. I go to the gym and work out in the woman’s section so I won’t be so noticeable. I am acutely self-conscious about my limp and having to use the cane. But I guess it would be even more embarrassing if I fell, hence the cane. Maybe I need to get a distinctive walking stick for some flare! I do the treadmill, some biceps, triceps, shoulders, etc. using light 5 lb. weights. I also try the thigh and hip machine on an extremely low resistance. I am careful not to do anything that pulls on my back at all. All of a sudden I notice my damn knee is back to being painful, probably due to my small squats to strengthen my knee. Again, I am very discouraged. I am laying low today in the house, writing and taking it easy. Yes I could go out again, but I decide to just chill since it is Sunday. It is amazing how I actually wish I were working tomorrow because I am losing my mind with boredom. I love to write but as always, I lack structure in my life, which I so desperately need. My goal is to actually get better enough to start traveling, taking pictures with a new digital SLR, and getting paid with the pics. I am a good photographer and this is what I want to do. But, everything in my life is on hold until this incredible numbness in my legs gets resolved. My left leg is not so bad and not weak, but my right leg sometimes does not even support me at all. I am walking in fear all the time, and so slowly that it makes me feel extremely old. But I have to stop looking at my past and reliving my former self. I find myself saying, “Oh, I used to run marathons and be in great shape. I used to work out every day for an hour. I used to look good. I used to have gorgeous shapely calves, etc.” That does me no good whatsoever. I heard Stacey say that she would tell people that she used to make 100K and have a beautiful spacious home. The reality is that she lost all that and now lives in a nice apartment. My reality is that I no longer run, my right leg is atrophied a little due to weakness, I cannot work out the way I used to and my body does not look the way I want it to anymore. I have to accept this and move on to the next phase in my life. Hopefully, and God willing, my leg will improve as the numbness subsides, but as of now, my life is changed. I do not know when or if there will be improvement, although I’ve been told there will be. I have to latch onto that prognosis and try hard to notice even the most infinitesimal improvements. I never thought that I would take so much pleasure in such small things, but maybe that is why this is happening. My mood can turn around in an instant with just one small improvement in my walking, my knee, less numbness. But, conversely, it can go the other way when there seems to be no improvement or even a setback. I have to learn to roll with the punches and realize that ultimately it is my attitude that will save me.
Surgery Log – 2012 – Walking with cane
11/23/12 – Friday – I try something drastic this Friday morning; I go out walking again. I’ve been so scared to do this without a cane since my balance has been so off and my stupid right knee/leg, in its infinite wisdom, decides arbitrarily that it doesn’t want to hold my weight out of nowhere. But I seemed to be walking better last night and this morning. It is a Catch-22 situation; when I don’t walk or try exercising my quads, I don’t have the pain when I go from sitting to standing. Yet, if I don’t use my leg it gets weaker and weaker, with my quads atrophying as well as my calf. My leg then gets so weak that my knee stops healing and I never get better. I simply do not know what the answer is at this point. It is so frustrating because today I was proud and almost happy that I could somewhat walk halfway decently—-albeit on my right toe because of the uneven hips–but not too bad. Then I did some light squats holding on which do not put stress on the knees. Nevertheless, when I sat in my car and went to get out, BAM, same old shit. My knee locked up like glue and I had to wait until I could straighten it out (painfully) to walk at all. Some days I have hope, when I can walk without pain and then out of nowhere my hope is dashed when my stupid knee decides to not work again. So, should I do no exercise and not rehab my back, continue the further deterioration of my right leg through atrophy, or do the exercise and not be able to walk at all afterwards. I pray and pray for some kind of help and suddenly it seems to come in the form of simply being able to walk. I then feel like I have finally turned the corner and then there is the cruelest joke of all, my knee is back to being painful and stiff. Part of the problem is that my leg(s) are still stiff and numb. My knees are especially numb due to the spinal nerve still being inflamed. The continual numbness probably prevents my knee from healing properly. Since the biggest problem is my entire right leg, the knee never gets better. As always people have to comment on my limp and cane (when I use it) necessitating me to explain my problems. I am tired as hell of doing this. I am afraid to get up because I figure my leg will be so stiff I won’t be able to unbend it for a while. It is so sad and I am tired of all this. I go to Starbucks to have a pumpkin spice latte, YUM. That always makes me feel better temporarily. I go home and I feel really good—-the best I have felt in a while. All of a sudden my right leg seems to have strength and I can walk relatively well. Since I feel decent, I decide to do tons of cleaning. I then go over to Janet’s house for “Thanksgiving” and have a surprisingly good time.
Surgery Log – 2012 – Thanksgiving
11/22/12 – Happy Thanksgiving, I guess. It is traditional for me to start out running in the morning but that is not happening today. So, I decide to walk on my treadmill, upstairs. I ask “permission” from my tenant upstairs and she agrees. But for some reason my knee and leg are very painful and stiff today (more than usual) so I abandon that idea. I am already discouraged so I go to a 12-noon meeting. I was not planning to go anywhere today since Janet’s Thanksgiving celebration will take place on Friday. I didn’t want to have two pig out days in a row. But everyone at the meeting convinced me to go to the AA festivity at Baker Avenue. It was decent but I would’ve preferred going to the Jet’s house. I still have no idea when I am supposed to grace the Jet with my presence on Friday. When I come home I do chores and start to get more and more agitated and upset, complete with crying, at my (you guessed it) knee’s lack of progress and even regression from the day before. That’s when I luckily decide to go to the Evans meeting at 8:00. That is a good decision because it gets me out of my head and saves me, as it always does. For some inexplicable reason, my stupid knee is not too bad. I jump on that good feeling and it helps me for the rest of the night. I am freezing in bed due to my numb legs; something that is a recent occurrence. David calls me to tell me that everything was really nice at his cousin Teresa’s house for Thanksgiving and that Joe looked good. It is a shame that his son, Aaron, could not be there with the other kids. Henry, of course was a big hit because he is super duper adorable. I am feeling glad about Joseph being part of the family for the day yet I am sad again about being apart from my family. I begin to think that moving so far away was a curse, but that was my decision so I have to live with it.
Surgery Log 2012 – Beginning
Beginning: Background – About 8 months ago I became aware of a chronic back and overall ache, mostly in my back and hips. Thinking it was due to my new mattress I returned the mattress 4 times trying to wake up not feeling like a Mack truck had hit me overnight. I would shake it off, pop my 4 Ibuprofens, take a hot shower, and go out for a run or to the gym before going to work. But, it soon became apparent that my right knee was painful and I probably had a ripped meniscus. But It also became apparent that I was having limited ROM on my right side and had constant pain all over—not just the knee—even while working out in the gym. At first I ignored it and just tried to put it aside, but I knew I had to see a specialist. Regarding the knee, I have had that surgery before and just assumed that I would recover completely within 2 or 3 months. However this has not been the case.
As of right now I am also trying to recover from back surgery (laminectomy) which also affects the knee. My “recovery” has not been what I expected—from both the laminectomy and knee surgery. Because my right leg is so weak, due to the injured spinal nerve, it has prevented the quadriceps muscle (thigh) from being strong and this affects the knee recovery. I am now using a cane because of my weak right leg and knee. My knees are so stiff and my right knee so painful that I can barely walk. This is probably due to having two anesthesias and surgeries back to back, or so I have been told. As a form of therapy, I decided to document my ordeal in the following posts.